"Victim" and "Survivor" as Labels

In her book Beyond Survival: Living Well is the Best Revenge, Yvonne Dolan talks about stages in healing from abuse, the first being as a "Victim", the second as a "Survivor", and the third "Being your Authentic Self". She points out that people who have experienced abuse can become stuck when they label themselves as "Victim" and "Survivor", and encourages them to keep moving on into the third stage, so that life can be lived and enjoyed more fully.

This is not to say that being a victim or survivor is not valid, but it is better not to use these as labels that stick. She names tasks that need to occur in each of the three stages.

Victim Stage

Tasks in this stage include:

• facing the reality of the bad things that have happened
• tapping into feelings that go with this and letting out (expressing) these feelings
• knowing that it is not your fault (let go of self-blame and shame)
• finding the courage to tell someone else what happened (to overcome isolation, fear and shame)

Survivor Stage

Tasks include:

• beginning to see that the bad things are in the past and that you have lived beyond them
• asking yourself "how did I do this?" and "how was I able to survive this?"
• identifying the things that allowed you to survive, including internal strengths, external resources, positive personality characteristics (these may have already existed before the trauma, or been developed after it)
• being able to function productively again in everyday life

Being your Authentic Self

Our Authentic Self is a Sanctuary deep within us where we can heal our wounds, delight in being alive and feel safe and solid in the storms of life.

Tasks include:

• seeing survivor-hood as a significant aspect of self but not your total self, and celebrating it
• stopping seeing life through the window of survivor-hood
• giving up the labels of "Victim" and "Survivor"
• creating a rewarding and satisfying life for yourself now
• beginning to live according to the person you really are deep inside
• having hopes and dreams becoming stronger than past expereinces
• enjoying life to the fullest
• reaching towards your potential
• expressing yourself in personally and rewarding creative ways
• expressing all the gifts you were born with
• trusting your own knowledge and abilities
• feeling more secure with yourself
• being less willing to squander your time and energy on relationships or situations that are abusive or toxic for you

Healing is not linear

Whilst it may be helpful to talk about stages of healing, in fact, healing from abuse does not occur in neat stages, and we may find ourselves oscillating between them. Things like guilt, unhelpful comments from others, triggers and reminders, and needing to go back into survival mode where we need to keep our guard up, may send us temporarily back into victim mode, even although we have moved on. However re-labelling ourselves as a "Victim" is unhelpful and limiting.

Similarly, aspects of our authentic selves may be present in other areas of our lives even when we are engaged in victim or survivor related tasks. This may be e.g. when we are able to laugh at ourselves and our mistakes, when we have the courage to leave uncomfortable situations, and/ or when we trust in ourselves and our abilities.

A great resource

Yvonne's book is currently available as One Small Step: Moving Beyond Trauma and Therapy to a Life of Joy:

https://www.booktopia.com.au/one-small-step-yvonne-m-dolan/prod9780595125357.html

It is full of exercises to help us connect with our authentic selves.

Remember: I survived what happened to me but its not who I am now. 

It's part of me but not all of who I am.

The woman on the tightrope: the children Part 2

Cathy Humphreys has written extensively about supporting the mother-child relationship when women and children have experienced domestic violence.

It is important not to stereotype

She says it is important not to stereotype all mother-child relationships as damaged or to see the situation as wholly negative. Children have reported that mothers are the single most important source of help and support, and mothers and children may develop protective strategies together.

Articles can be found on these links:

Domestic Violence and Child Protection: challenging directions for practice 
http://www.adfvc.unsw.edu.au/documents/IssuesPaper_13.pdf

Children and Domestic Violence
http://burnside.slimlib.com.au:81/docs/ChldnDomViol.pdf

Ways the relationship may be damaged

Cathy says that harm may occur from:

• Attacks on, and undermining of, the relationships and communication between mothers and children
• Insulting and criticising mothers in front of children (which undermines their respect for her)
• Preventing mothers from attending to children or demanding all her attention so that she is unable to attend to them
• Disabling the mother physically and/ or depriving her of sleep so she is unavailable to children (she may be in hospital or bed)
• Abuse resulting in mental health problems like depression, anxiety and trauma, leaving mothers with few resources for parenting
• Distressed/ reactive children can be demanding to care for and may take out their anger and distress on their mother
• Normal adult-child roles may have been reversed if children have tried to protect their mother
• Children may be directly abused
• Lives may have been disrupted by frequent moves, changes of school, loss of friends and loss of community

Helping relationships heal

She promotes five areas of activities and these are to:

• Build self-esteem and confidence
• Identify and talk about feelings
• Stay safe
• Strengthen communication with mother
• Talk about aspects of lives previously clouded by secrecy

A great resource

Cathy and her colleagues have produced a book Talking to my Mum: a picture workbook for workers, mothers and children and it can be sourced by following this link: 

http://www.booktopia.com.au/talking-to-my-mum-ravi-k-thiara/prod9781843104223.html

The woman on the tightrope: the children

When working with children who have lived with domestic violence we can face the dilemma of choosing between a child protection focus, or a focus on assisting the mother who has experienced domestic violence.

Helpful training

 A number of years ago I attended a workshop conducted by Chris Burke and found this to be extremely useful in navigating my way out of this dilemma. She pointed out that a zoom in lens on one or the other will limit our vision, and instead we need to use a double lens or landscape approach that addresses both of these focuses simultaneously and avoids contributing to the “invisible man” syndrome (we can inadvertently do this by ignoring the power and responsibility imbalances – see post on Power and Responsibility on 11^th May 2015).

She said that a double lens/ landscape perspective will address:

• Safety and protection of children
• Empowerment and safety of women, and
• Accountability of the perpetrator for the violence

Information on Chris can be found on:

http://gracieproductions.com.au/chris-burke-profile.htm

Preparing a workshop

A few years ago a colleague, Danielle, and myself drafted a workshop on this topic for a Local Health District Domestic Violence Forum, but it was never presented due to miscommunication about the program, so I would like to share our thoughts and ideas here.

Introduction

In this we emphasized (in the words of Danielle) that although we have a responsibility to report when there is violence in the home, our main aim and responsibility is to support those at risk and do no further harm. We also cannot ignore the involvement of the perpetrator.

We know that leaving is not always possible, realistic or safe, so safety is the most important aspect.

We need a landscape view rather than being limited to a “child only” focus or “mother only” focus, especially as we know that children’s recovery is linked to mothers coping. Otherwise we are creating more risk.

Taking a landscape view

We came up with this diagram to summarise our research and provide an outline of the main points we needed to cover, and used it along with the graphic of the Woman on the tightrope.

 Impacts and needs for the woman/ mother

Negative impacts can include: depression, anxiety, self-loathing and not trusting own judgement (and many more), but they can also be active problem solvers, use acts of resistance, reach turning points and use pathways and enablers.

They need empowerment, support to acknowledge the impact on their children (not criticism) and support to change or enable them to take new pathways safely. Don’t pathologise, but acknowledge the trauma, and don’t put all the responsibility for the violence on the mother.

Impacts and needs for the children

There is evidence of risks of harm for children living with domestic violence, and these are diverse. However there is not a linear cause and effect – some children are fine and have learnt amazing resilience skills. We need to look at the protective context too.

They need to not be pathologised, to be kept safe and to be acknowledged for the things they have done to protect themselves and others.  Divided loyalties between Mum and Dad need to be processed safely and respectfully. Children need to be safe before counselling is offered; otherwise they may receive conflicting messages.

Impacts and needs for the relationship between mother and child

Living with domestic violence undermines parenting, and children’s recovery is linked to their mother’s recovery. Both may have learned survivorship and not all relationships are damaged.

Mothers need to be supported to protect children and we need to support and re-build mother-child relationships.

General intervention and pitfalls to avoid

Things we can do include:

• build on strengths and survival strategies
• focus on safety for both mother and children/ assist them in making safety plans
• avoid women and children feeling blamed or putting responsibility for the violence on the mother
• not pathologise behaviour, but acknowledge trauma
• counter, rather than reinforce, the power and responsibility dynamics
• acknowledge the dangers around separation
• encourage the building of strong relationships between mothers and children
• listen and support those at risk as they travel on their journey across the tightrope

The most important question we need to ask is: 

ARE WOMEN AND CHILDREN SAFER AS A RESULT OF THIS INTERVENTION?

Working with perpetrators

Working with perpetrators of domestic violence is a very specialist area and requires the following of specific guidelines. When I was working for NSW Health our policies stated that were not to work with perpetrators on perpetrator issues (e.g. anger management and relationship issues) as our focus needed to be on intervention with victims.

So, although I do not have specific skills to work with perpetrators, I have attended seminars and am aware of appropriate guidelines and resources for working with perpetrators, and these I would like to share.

General approaches

One of the most helpful seminars I attended was a presentation by Greg Yee (a Relationship Therapist in private practice) entitled Do Perpetrator Programs work?  This was part of a Domestic Violence Forum in Dubbo in 2010, and Greg has worked with perpetrators over a number of years.

He said that group perpetrator programs done well and right have a place to play, but if they are not done well they cause more harm than good. If the program is not working then it needs to be disbanded immediately. Programs are not to men but for them. It is not helping them to allow them to get away with their behaviour – the criminal justice response is an important component of the program.

He uses a group program based on a Duluth model by Pense and Palmer that aims to stop violence and control via key attitudinal shifts, and for participants to change and become someone they like rather than to get their family back together. Participants need to jump through hoops to demonstrate that they really want to change, rather than avoid consequences of the criminal justice system. Only 10 – 15 % of those who do his program change.

He outlined the following as being elements that create the best opportunity for effective intervention:

1. The safety of women and children is not dependent on the perpetrator changing.
2. Perpetrators need to experience consequences for violent behaviour (AVOs, legal consequences, leaving the family home and not being given a time frame).
3. It is essential to engage with the female partner and have her active participation.
4. Needs to address patriarchy and belief systems of entitlement and male privilege (anger management, improving communication and stress relief are not appropriate).
5. Experienced and skilled workers who understand the complexities of domestic violence.

 More information can be found about Greg on this website:

http://www.karunacentre.com.au/greg-yee.html

Documents outlining standards for men’s behaviour change programs

NSW Health Information Bulletin IB2014_003 Domestic violence – men’s behaviour change programs (this includes Minimum standards for men’s behaviour change programs NSW Attorney General & Justice):
http://www0.health.nsw.gov.au/policies/ib/2014/pdf/IB2014_003.pdf

A great resource

The Victorian government has produced this excellent and comprehensive resource under its No to Violence strategy: Mens Behaviour Change Group Work: Resources for Quality Practice, and it can be found on this link:

http://www.dhs.vic.gov.au/__data/assets/pdf_file/0004/581602/mens-behaviour-change-quality-practice-resources.pdf

Some on-line resources for men

Self-help booklets and guides for men who want to change are available from the Freedom from Fear Campaign (Western Australia):

www.dcp.wa.gov.au/CrisisandEmergency/FDV/Pages/PublicationsAndResources.aspx

The NSW Mens Referral Service (MRS) is for men whose behaviour is causing problems for their relationships or family and provides information and referrals:

www.mrs.org.au

The woman on the tightrope: the invisible man

Chris Burke used the term “invisible man syndrome” in relation to perpetrators of domestic violence in 1999, and it refers to what Cathy Humphreys terms “the absent presence of the perpetrator” after women and children have separated from the perpetrator.  Workers and agencies may ignore the on-going presence of the perpetrator and put responsibility for the violence of the woman, especially in relation to protecting children, thereby making him “invisible”.

References:

Chris Burke http://gracieproductions.com.au/chris-burke-profile.htm

Cathy Humphreys: Domestic Violence and Child Protection: challenging directions for practice Australian Domestic and Family Violence Clearinghouse Issues Paper 13
http://www.adfvc.unsw.edu.au/PDF%20files/IssuesPaper_13.pdf

 The “invisible man” has been located under the storm cloud of the woman on the tightrope as the storms that occur on the journey can often be linked to this man.

On-going effects of having lived with trauma and abuse

The “invisible man” remains in the lives of women and children in memories of the times they lived with abuse, and as they heal from the impacts of abuse (see the post of the first session on the “Woman on the tightrope: the abused brain”).

On-going risks

A number of authors have pointed out that domestic violence often increases after separation, and new tactics are often introduced.

Dr Leah Bromfield from the National Child Protection Clearinghouse (2010) wrote that there is strong evidence to show that physical and psychological violence towards women and children continues post-separation and that the severity and lethality of the violence may increase post-separation, and that these risks need to be taken seriously (I was unable to locate the exact article this came from).

Cathy Humphreys writes that domestic violence usually increases and often escalates within the first 12 months of separation, and that there is lack of attention to the dangers of separation, which is often construed as the only possible safety strategy. She says that the impact of the perpetrator is ever present but often not addressed and, if workers fear the perpetrator, this can lead to avoiding or colluding with him instead of seeing him as accountable for the violence (see reference above).

This does not mean that leaving is not to be encouraged, but that leaving as safely as possible is the goal.

On-going contacts

Cathy Humphreys points out that children may continue to have contact with the perpetrator post separation, and this is often encouraged in Family Law, meaning that the mother also has on-going contact (see reference above).

Impacts on relationships with others

Cathy Humphrey's work revolves around the concept that mother/ child relationships are undermined by the abusive tactics of the perpetrator and that the resultant broken bonds and damaged attachments will need to be rebuilt (see reference above).

Since a commonly used tactic includes social isolation, it is likely that living with domestic violence has also damaged relationships with friends, relatives and other significant others, and healing may need to occur here too (if possible – some relationships become too damaged for this to be possible).

For workers

Shirley Patton reminds us that we need to:

• locate the responsibility for violence with the perpetrator
• respect the woman’s feelings about her partner
• understand the woman’s choices about returning to her partner
• acknowledge the grief attached to realising that there is no hope for change

Reference: Pathways: how women leave violent men, Shirley Patton (2003)
http://www.dpac.tas.gov.au/__data/assets/pdf_file/0014/47012/pathways_how_women_leave_violent_men.pdf

I will cover working with perpetrators in another post.

The woman on the tightrope: the tree

The tree is the anchor on the other end of the tightrope and I have used the concept of the Tree of Life to describe the tree. I have based the symbols, represented by the different parts of the tree, on The Tree of Life sessions as developed by the Dulwich Centre. See the link below for more information.

http://dulwichcentre.com.au/the-tree-of-life/

The final group session: Our tree of life

This session was structured as follows:

Now that we have journeyed across the tightrope we have reached the tree that has been our anchor. We can call this tree our tree of life. It may be that abuse has sent us away from our tree and, if so, now is the time to reconnect with it.

The roots and the ground

The roots of the tree are our strengths – what things give us strength and who and what do we return to when we need strength?

The women in the group identified that the things that have given them strength are:  trust, carefulness, supportive people, hope, respect, courage, creativity, wisdom, patience, resilience, caring, generosity, confidence, friendship, pets and someone to confide in/ talk to/ trust/ lean on.

The ground that our tree is growing in is about our current lives and interests – what are the things we do regularly in our daily lives?

The group participants shared that the things they do regularly in their daily lives include: doing some craft each day:, eating healthy food; talking to someone; going for a walk/ exercising; doing puzzles; reading; cleaning up and/ or organising; watching a movie or DVD; doing something comforting; listening to music; gardening; going out/ visiting; helping others; being a “bucket filler” by being kind and friendly.

The trunk

The trunk is our skills and abilities:

• What skills and abilities do we have?
• What skills and abilities do other people think we have?
• Where did we learn these skills?
• How long have we had them?

The responses from the women included these skills and abilities: coping skills; survival skills; assertiveness; helping people; managing anxiety; walking away from bad situations; putting boundaries in place; parenting; caring for the elderly; flexibility; craft skills; independence; determination; being a good friend; honesty; being trustworthy and responsible; being organised; calmness.

And they thought that they had leant these skills from: life and experience; parents, teachers, friends and our children; good role models; bad role models (who teach us what not to do); our experiences of abuse; people who tell us we can’t (and thus make us more determined to show that we can).

The branches and leaves

The branches hold our hopes, dreams and wishes – what are they and how long have we kept hold of them?

The women in the group said that their hopes, dreams and wishes were:  to be closer to our families; to have more personal space; to be debt free/ win lotto; to be healthy; to be content and at peace; to have freedom.

The leaves are the people (and pets) who are important to us (they may still be alive or they may have passed on) – who are these people (and pets), what is special about them and what makes them important to us?

The people and pets that were important to the group participants were: special friends; family members we are close to; cats and dogs (our pets). And their thoughts about what is special about them were that they: are caring; are understanding; are trustworthy; don’t judge us; encourage us; listen to us.

The fruits

The fruits of the tree are the gifts we have been given like acts of kindness, care and love from others:

• What gifts have we been given?
• Why did these people give us these gifts?
• What gifts of kindness and caring do we give to others?

The gifts the women in the group saw themselves as having been given included: friendship; respect; teaching/ being shown how to do things; teaching us to be polite and well-mannered; encouragement; renewal; hope; faith; love; insight; wise thoughts; belief in ourselves; praise; purpose; forgiveness.

Their thoughts about why these people have given them these gifts were because: they saw potential in us; they were kind and caring; they love us; they want the best for us; they have unconditional love.

And their ideas about the gifts of caring and kindness they have given to others were: sharing ideas; kindness; teaching new skills; caring; friendship.

The invisible man and the child had not yet been included in the tightrope metaphor when I facilitated this group, so I will cover them in future posts.

The woman on the tightrope: stepping across the tightrope

The journey from leaving violence and moving towards re-building lives can be like stepping carefully across a shaky tightrope.

The group-work session based on the tightrope: finding balance and confidence 

Group discussion is based on the following questions:

Part one: getting onto the tightrope

1.  How does it feel to be on the tightrope?

The feelings of the women in the Women's Support Group included; mad, angry, disgusted and stirred up again; angry and alone; like I'm on shaky ground and that I have unhelpful messages and disapproval in my head from childhood; angry that others are trying to tell me what to do.

They also noted that anger gives us energy to act and step onto the tightrope and that here we tend to be alone because we have to concentrate on ourselves and where we are stepping in order to maintain balance.

2.  Many women find that they may have started along the tightrope and then moved back to the relationship, only to step out again later on. Some women find that they move forward and back a number of times. From your experiences, what things have sent you back to these relationships and/ or made it difficult to step onto the tightrope?  

The women in the group shared that these things have sent them back: fear of being alone; lack of confidence and self-esteem; lack of support from others; isolation; being too afraid to talk or seek help; despair; being mind-numbed and unable to think; having to put too much energy onto surviving so none is left for making changes.

Part two: courage

1.  What things have given is the courage to step onto the tightrope?

Courage was identified by the women as having come from: counselling; support from friends; being heard; having some confidence and self-esteem, insight; courage; deciding that we don't want to live like this any more; knowing we deserve better; hope.

2. What "snacks of courage" do we need to carry in our backpacks to help us along the tightrope?

The women listed these as their "snacks of courage": confidence; knowing the we can take the next step; love and support from family and friends; relaxation/ time out; encouragement from others; being able to challenge unhelpful messages from the past and recognise where they have come from; knowing that life is a challenge and not having unrealistic expectations; belief in self. 

Part three: confidence and belief in ourselves

1.  Holding onto confidence and belief in ourselves can make the tightrope less shaky for us, and help us stay balanced on it. What things can help us to hang onto confidence and belief in ourselves?

These were the thoughts of the women in the group: listening to helpful voices around us instead of unhelpful ones; tapping into our own knowledge and experience; trusting in our instinct; building a positive self-image; dropping the unhelpful labels we put on ourselves; not being fooled by media images; self-care by exercising, staying healthy, relaxation and eating nutritious food; going for walks; positive thoughts; hope for the future; learning new skills.

2. The women were given the worksheet below and asked to think of some images or other words for confidence and to place these around the star.

Words chosen by the women were: creative; hope; sureness; certainty; sense of achievement; positive and images included: guide dog; rock climber; police/ fireman; doctor; cats and dogs; birds like eagles, kookaburras, pelicans, swans, owls and pigeons.

3.  From your experiences:

      (a) What things can get in the way of your confidence or make it grow smaller?

      (b) What helps your confidence grow bigger?

The women said that these things reduce their confidence: negativity; lack of self-acceptance; negative and abusive people; being unhealthy; remembering past bad experiences; unhelpful messages from others; depression and anxiety; panic; tiredness and exhaustion.

And these were the things that help their confidence grow: being happy; living in the present; not dwelling on the past; overcoming depression; all the things listed above that help us hang onto confidence and belief in ourselves.

4.  What strengths do we have to help us take each step across the tightrope?

The women in the group saw themselves as having these strengths: courage; confidence; carefulness; friendship -- being around friends and in company; resilience; love -- from others; transformation -- into a person we like better and living our own lives (not the lives of others); adventure -- trying new things/ learning; independence; self-encouragement; insight -- the truth will set us free.

The woman on the tightrope: the helmet

The protective helmet worn by the woman is hard on the outside to protect her from unhelpful messages, mental invasions and emotional and psychological abuse from others. However it is also has a soft padding inside to cushion her from her own unhelpful thoughts.

The group work session based on the tightrope: protecting our heads

Group discussion is based on the following questions:

Part one: the "outside" messages

1. How do we feel about wearing this helmet? (The Stones have feelings too cards were used here)

Some of the feelings identified by the women in the group included: defiant, strong and capable;  that I am weighing things up and not letting them get to me; happy and sad at the same time (happy for protection but sad I need to use it); I can see it coming/ recognise the control and try not to let it get to me (I use my strengths to resist it).

    2.  What "outside" messages is the helmet protecting us from?

The women in the group listed these messages: it's not good enough; you can't ...; you are unworthy; you are dumb/ stupid/ lazy etc./ put downs; you should/ shouldn't ...; you're not allowed to ...; guilt games; mind games/ manipulation; gifts with a price; verbal attacks/ violence/ abusive phone calls/ road rage; being blamed; you are never right.        

    3. What ways have we already used to protect ourselves from these messages?

This generated a lot of responses: defending ourselves/ standing up to them (if it is safe to do so); using selective hearing/ only pretending to listen; not showing a reaction; isolating self/ removing self to a safe place; putting up a mental barrier; humming to self; imagining wearing a helmet that is allowing messages to bounce off it; telling ourselves that karma will get them eventually; recognising projection; seeing abuse as abuse (naming it) and don't make excuses for it; the best revenge is living well; imagining being behind a perspex screen and just watching, not hearing; laughing/seeing the funny side; using silence; pretending they don't exist.  

Part two: the "inside" thoughts

1.  What “ inside” thoughts do we need to protect ourselves from?

 These are some of the thoughts the women in the group identified: whirlpool thoughts; believing brainwashing; what ifs/ if onlys; guilt; self-blame; I'm crazy/ I'm going crazy; believing we are not worthy/ flawed/ will never be good enough; I can’t/ should/ shouldn't/ I'm not allowed to …; I can’t upset them; I'm silly/stupid/ how could I …; I'm no good; no-one likes me/ paranoid thoughts.

2.  What ways have we already used to cushion ourselves from these thoughts?

Some of the ideas from the group included: telling ourselves that we are allowed to be human/ make mistakes/ not be perfect; recognising where the thoughts are coming from; knowing we don’t have to change for other people and that people worth knowing will accept us as we are/ how we live; telling ourselves “I am who I am”; challenging some of the thoughts, using humour; thinking helpful thoughts rather than unhelpful; using thought stopping; using distraction.

3.  Some of the ways we may have used to hold on to truths and belief in ourselves in the face of mental invasion, emotional abuse and unhelpful messages from others are by:             

• Naming and seeing through tactics of control
• Knowing our rights
• Using our supports and knowing we are not alone
• Listening to helpful messages from others (the other voices)
• Listening to messages of encouragement from ourselves and others

What other things can we add to this list?

These are some of the things the women in the group added to the list: telling ourselves that we can/ we are allowed to …; going to counselling and support groups; spending time with friends; doing things that are true to ourselves; honouring the survival strategies that we have had to use; knowing that the best revenge is living well.

Part three: self-care

1.  One of the ways we can cushion ourselves on the inside is by believing in self-care. What acts of self-care can we do?                    

The acts of self-care identified by the women in the group included: dressing well/ buying new clothes; exercising; eating nutritious food; having adequate sleep and rest; pampering ourselves; soaking in a bath; visiting the hairdresser; going out and having fun; trying new adventures/ new things; learning a new skill; doing confidence boosting activities.

2.  What is one act of self-care we can do in the next two weeks?

3.  What strengths do we have to remember to use our protective helmets? (The Angels cards were used here)       

The strengths that the women chose were: forgiveness (of ourselves for any mistakes we may have made); beauty (to see this in ourselves on the inside);  joy (in the little things of life); peace (being able to find a time-out zone/ place to gain peace); courage; assertiveness; resilience; carefulness; confidence and independence; being adventurous (to fill our heads with new things); wisdom; clarity (to stop and recognise mind games); reflection (stopping and thinking about what is really going on); patience (and tolerance of self); creativity; trust (in self to survive); purpose; support and encouragement; genuine friendship;  respect for self; honesty with self (the truth will set you free).

The woman on the tightrope: making a "boat" bag for survival strategies

I found it useful, in the Women's Support Group, to intersperse creative sessions with structured discussion as this helped to build confidence and widen thinking. In this session the creativity was used to reinforce the last session on navigating through the "storm".

Making the bag

The bag was a small simple drawstring bag and a fabric boat was glued onto it for decoration. The boat could also be appliquéd. For the bag, cut a fabric rectangle 22cm x 15 cm, fold this in half along the 22 cm side and glue or sew the boat pieces onto the front. Fold it with right sides together and sew down the 15 cm side (leaving a 2cm gap about 2 cm from the top) and across the bottom. Form a 2 cm casing along the top and sew it in place. Thread thin ribbon, wool or cord through the gap in the side seam to act as a draw-string. Purchased bags could also be used.

The boat appliqué below can be downloaded free from this link:

http://files.homemade-gifts-made-easy.com/applique/applique-pattern-boat.pdf

Adding survival strategies

A list of survival strategies, based on ideas shared in the previous sessions and grouped under headings, was provided and then symbols for each strategy were brainstormed and listed next to that strategy. To acknowledge the diversity of meanings for individuals , more than one symbol was chosen for each strategy, and we kept brainstorming until everyone had a symbol that they could relate to.

The survival strategies were cut out and glued onto an appropriately sized piece of cardboard and then, during the following session,  the women were encouraged to glue a picture of their chosen symbol onto the other side of the cardboard (googled pictures were provided).

These were the strategies and symbols:

Survival strategy	Symbols
Hope	Rainbow     Dove     Sunrise
Energy List of things to do Being active	Light bulb     Lightning strike
Adventure Trying new experiences	Dora the explorer     Sky diver     Explorer     Bushwalking     Canoeing rapids
Joy Doing things we enjoy	Sunrise     Rainbow     Music     Ocean waves
Love Being around those we trust	Hug     Kiss     Rose     Dove     Heart
Assertiveness Standing up for ourselves	Figure with hands on hips     Hands up to “stop”      Stop sign
Insight	X-ray     Eye     Looking inwards through a window
Courage Offload writing Crying	Lassie     Skippy the bush kangaroo     Lion Tear     Super hero Standing on top of a mountain
Encouragement Confidence and self-esteem Being positive	Thumbs up     Pat on back     Julie Andrews “I have confidence in me”
Respect Self-care Nutritious food Exercise/ walking Taking care of physical conditions	Walking     Make-over/ facial     Pamper Before and after pictures
Patience One step at a time	Bird on eggs     Phone calls to queue lines     Solitaire     Fishing     Clock     Slow cooker     Stepping stones     Fruit cake cooking
Resistance Challenge self-blame and guilt	Sail against the wind     Windmill     Walking up a hill
Protection Giving ourselves space from unhelpful people Not listening to unhelpful voices	Chain mail     Police     Tent     Hooded parka     Crucifix     Screen     Castle with moat
Comfort Relaxation Hot shower or bath Spend time with pets	Crochet rug     Candles     Cat     Fountain     Pamper     Harp     Hot water bottle
Safe spaces/ rest ports Places we can drop our guard and be free to be ourselves Our own comfortable spaces	Lounge with blanket and cat     Park     Head phones     Fishing fleet in harbour
Skills to stay afloat Realistic expectations	Award ribbon     Knitting     “How to” book     Certificate     Graduation mortar board     Glass of champagne