The woman on the tightrope: the children

When working with children who have lived with domestic violence we can face the dilemma of choosing between a child protection focus, or a focus on assisting the mother who has experienced domestic violence.

Helpful training

 A number of years ago I attended a workshop conducted by Chris Burke and found this to be extremely useful in navigating my way out of this dilemma. She pointed out that a zoom in lens on one or the other will limit our vision, and instead we need to use a double lens or landscape approach that addresses both of these focuses simultaneously and avoids contributing to the “invisible man” syndrome (we can inadvertently do this by ignoring the power and responsibility imbalances – see post on Power and Responsibility on 11^th May 2015).

She said that a double lens/ landscape perspective will address:

• Safety and protection of children
• Empowerment and safety of women, and
• Accountability of the perpetrator for the violence

Information on Chris can be found on:

http://gracieproductions.com.au/chris-burke-profile.htm

Preparing a workshop

A few years ago a colleague, Danielle, and myself drafted a workshop on this topic for a Local Health District Domestic Violence Forum, but it was never presented due to miscommunication about the program, so I would like to share our thoughts and ideas here.

Introduction

In this we emphasized (in the words of Danielle) that although we have a responsibility to report when there is violence in the home, our main aim and responsibility is to support those at risk and do no further harm. We also cannot ignore the involvement of the perpetrator.

We know that leaving is not always possible, realistic or safe, so safety is the most important aspect.

We need a landscape view rather than being limited to a “child only” focus or “mother only” focus, especially as we know that children’s recovery is linked to mothers coping. Otherwise we are creating more risk.

Taking a landscape view

We came up with this diagram to summarise our research and provide an outline of the main points we needed to cover, and used it along with the graphic of the Woman on the tightrope.

 Impacts and needs for the woman/ mother

Negative impacts can include: depression, anxiety, self-loathing and not trusting own judgement (and many more), but they can also be active problem solvers, use acts of resistance, reach turning points and use pathways and enablers.

They need empowerment, support to acknowledge the impact on their children (not criticism) and support to change or enable them to take new pathways safely. Don’t pathologise, but acknowledge the trauma, and don’t put all the responsibility for the violence on the mother.

Impacts and needs for the children

There is evidence of risks of harm for children living with domestic violence, and these are diverse. However there is not a linear cause and effect – some children are fine and have learnt amazing resilience skills. We need to look at the protective context too.

They need to not be pathologised, to be kept safe and to be acknowledged for the things they have done to protect themselves and others.  Divided loyalties between Mum and Dad need to be processed safely and respectfully. Children need to be safe before counselling is offered; otherwise they may receive conflicting messages.

Impacts and needs for the relationship between mother and child

Living with domestic violence undermines parenting, and children’s recovery is linked to their mother’s recovery. Both may have learned survivorship and not all relationships are damaged.

Mothers need to be supported to protect children and we need to support and re-build mother-child relationships.

General intervention and pitfalls to avoid

Things we can do include:

• build on strengths and survival strategies
• focus on safety for both mother and children/ assist them in making safety plans
• avoid women and children feeling blamed or putting responsibility for the violence on the mother
• not pathologise behaviour, but acknowledge trauma
• counter, rather than reinforce, the power and responsibility dynamics
• acknowledge the dangers around separation
• encourage the building of strong relationships between mothers and children
• listen and support those at risk as they travel on their journey across the tightrope

The most important question we need to ask is: 

ARE WOMEN AND CHILDREN SAFER AS A RESULT OF THIS INTERVENTION?