Grief and loss in relation to childhood abuse

Any form of childhood abuse results in losses, and there comes a time when these losses need to be acknowledged and grieved for, in order to begin to heal from them. There are some tasks that can help us to do this, but do not hurry any of them. It is wise to take all the time needed on each step before moving on to the next.

Externalise the story

This is an important first step. It is therapeutic to offload the story instead of keeping it internalised, and once it is out there we can begin to process it. Externalising can be done simply by writing out the story or telling it to someone who is supportive and understanding. It can also be done diagrammatically or through works of art.

Identify the losses

Taking time to reflect on the losses and to name them is the next step, and it can be helpful to list these. Losses include feeling abandoned, being unable to express feelings, not having been parented well, feeling that the world is not safe, not being comfortable in relationships, needing to take time to deal with the impacts and thus disengaging from living, loss of respect, loss of trust, not experiencing unconditional love from parents, loss of innocence and of childhood, lost opportunities, loss of pleasure … and many others.

Grieve for the losses

Tap into feelings now, especially any that had to be repressed in childhood, and find a source of comfort. Feelings need to be honoured and externalised, and comfort is an important part of grieving.

There is more to the story: the gains

After having taken these steps, I found it useful to write a list of the losses and then, for each one, try to find a gain. I chose to write these in a journal so that I could refer back to them. Here are some examples:

Losses	Gains
Missing school	Developed good study skills
Lack of being nurtured and cared for	Learnt to self-nurture and to care for others
Lost help	Learnt self-help and to seek it
Time taken up managing anxiety	Developed a whole range of useful management techniques and shared these with others
Loss of dignity and respect	More open to serving others rather than seeking status
Loss of confidence in self	Finding ways to re-build this and to share this with others who are struggling
Loss of play in childhood	Developed a love of reading and creating
Loss of privacy	Learnt to value privacy and confidentiality
Feeling abandoned	Sought friendships with others and learned not to abandon my own children and grandchildren
Time taken struggling to heal	Became stronger and more insightful

Re-telling the story

Having identified the gains, it may be useful to re-write/ re-tell the story and include the gains as part of the story (a bit of a narrative type approach). This makes a more rounded story and allows us to see that strengths can come from adversity.

Remember: Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we’ll ever do (Brene Brown LiveLifeHappy.com)

A tribute to my father-in-law

My father-in-law passed away on Saturday, and I would like to devote this post to him. 

 Dear Nat

I will really miss you but am thankful that you have found freedom again as I know you hated being restricted to the dementia unit you were in, and it was sad to progressively lose more and more connection with you as your mind and body began to fail you.

Throughout the years I have been married to your son you have been like a real father to me, and I thank you for your understanding, interest and caring.

I have loved the great discussions we have been able to share and appreciate your wisdom and knowledge.

I have been inspired by the way you lived out your faith (including over 60 years as a lay preacher), and will always remember how you clung to the commandment to love your neighbour even when your mind began to fail.

You have done so much in your life of 98 years: as a farmer and grazier, as a leader in the agricultural industry, as a member of the Upper House of NSW State Parliament, as an avid traveller in Australia and travelling overseas (and escaping to Iluka in winter for many years), as a fisherman and as an active member of the local community. And there are many more things that I have only heard about.

You loved your family and made each member feel special and loved for themselves, and you took great interest in all our lives. You were a devoted husband, father, father-in-law, grandfather and great grandfather – and uncle, brother and cousin and friend. And you were much respected by us all.

Thank you for being my father-in-law. It has been a real privilege to have you in my life all these years.

The background contours of bereavement: Part 3

This is the final post on this segment on grief. Once again, please treat this information as something that may be used as a framework to understand a person’s grief journey, rather than as something that everyone will experience.

Neimeyer’s tasks of mourning do not occur in a linear fashion or necessarily in the order presented. Not all people will engage in all of the tasks, and this framework may be totally irrelevant for some grief journeys. However it may be useful for others.

These are Neimeyer’s tasks of mourning as he presents them in his book Lessons in Loss: a Guide to Coping (McGraw Hill, New York, 1999):

Acknowledge the reality of the loss

This is about learning the lessons of loss at a deeply emotional level and involves a series of seemingly unending confrontations with the limitations imposed by the loss. We grieve as individuals and as members of larger family systems. Children need to be included, as “protecting” them will mystify reality and deny them the chance to discuss feelings.

Open yourself to the pain

Avoiding distressing feelings may delay grieving. Feelings need to be sorted through and identified and pain embraced for long enough to learn its lessons. However focussing relentlessly on the pain may be damaging and we may need to balance “grief work” with reorientation to practical tasks and the development of new skills to cope with the changed environment. It is OK to fluctuate between feeling and doing according to need.

Revise assumptive world

Major loss undercuts the beliefs and assumptions that have been our philosophies of life. Loss invalidates our assumptive world and makes us revise it (our behaviours, commitments and values) and this will take considerable time and effort. Our assumptive world will be revised according to the personal meaning we have given to the loss, and we may be transformed by tragedy – “sadder but wiser”.

Reconstruct the relationship to that which has been lost

A continued sense of presence is common and most see this as comforting. Death transforms relationships rather than ending them, and there is a change from a relationship based on a physical presence to one that is based on symbolic connection. Reconstructing the relationship by e.g. encouraging memories, “talking” to the deceased and having cherished linking objects, gives, continuity to a life story disrupted by loss.

Reinvent self

We are social beings and construct our identities in relation to other significant persons, so part of us dies when someone we love dies. We need to rebuild an identity appropriate to new roles, whilst establishing continuity with the old. Death and loss tear vital strands that connect us to people, places and activities, and we gradually repair them by re-establishing other forms of connection. Loss diminishes us, but can also lead to renewal and wisdom.

More information on Robert Neimeyer can be found on this link, as well as access to some of his research publications:
https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/66994396/home/Scholarship.html

The background contours of bereavement: Part 2

Continuing on with the background contours of mourning, here are some more to consider.

Loss orientation vs. Restoration orientation

Some bereaved alternate between feeling intense emotional upset and cognitively containing emotional upset through taking action on something to substitute for thinking about the loss. (Goodrum  S (2005) The interaction between thoughts and emotions following the news of a loved one’s murder. Omega: Journal of Death and Dying Vol 5 (2))

When working with loss orientation we need to explore the client’s experiences, feelings, hopes and fears and help them to release emotions without any pressure to move quickly beyond their pain or to find quick fixes. We need to normalise reactions, explore the significance of the loss for the client’s life and explore for related losses.

There can be multiple approaches to the expression of grief – verbal, written and artistic, and drawing and storytelling may allow trauma to be approached in the relative safety of symbolism and metaphor. Research suggests that the ability to share our feelings and stories with others is healing.

Harding says that Allowing oneself to go through the emotions that happen and accepting those emotions as part of a normal and natural process is affirming and helpful to those who grieve. (Harding D (2005) Spiritual guidance for grief: one piece of the puzzle. PsycCRITQUES  Vol 50 (51))

In Restoration orientation there is a focus on tasks and an exploration of options and possibilities. This is about external adjustment and tuning out to grief.

Meaning making/ reconstruction/ re-learning the world

On this contour we need to work at the pace of the person and pick up when they are ready to begin reconstruction (they need to be thinking beyond intense loss). We need to begin where the client is, allow the story to be heard and uncover the meanings attributed to their lives and the losses they have encountered. Our role is to act as collaborator and catalyst in the process of meaning reconstruction.

Malkinson and Bar Tur write that Grief along the life cycle is an unpatterned process with emotional and cognitive ups and downs involving a continuous search for a meaning to life. 

There are three areas of meaning-making: sense making (via communication and storytelling), benefit finding, and identity change, and we can use tools like journaling, biographies, letters, poetry and metaphoric stories to assist with meaning-making. (Malkinson & Bar Tur (2004) Long term bereavement processes of older persons: the three phases of grief. Omega: Journal of Death and Dying Vol 20 (2))

Continuing bonds

Patson and Marwit have observed that Continued contact with a loved one who has died is common in bereavement. 60% reported sensing a presence (visual, auditory or tactile) and of these, 85% found this comforting. (Patson & Marwit (1997) – but I have lost any further details, sorry)

When working on this contour we need to first explore the nature of the relationship and attachment to the deceased (some people may not want a continuing relationship with the deceased). Then, if appropriate, we may encourage the client to develop rituals that support memories, honour the dead and keep the presence/ spirit. Memories promote healing by validating grief, facilitating ritual, providing mementos and letting the bereaved tell their stories.

Some of the ways to continue bonds are to treasure objects which link to the person who has died (jewellery, clothes, photos, mementos and/or a box of memories), go to the cemetery, create memorials, continue to have thoughts of the deceased, have a relationship with them in one’s heart, have conversations with the deceased (and maybe seek guidance from them) and to write to them in letters or journals.

Music can be used to create connectedness and to facilitate rituals, and we need to encourage talk about the person who has died, as well as the observance of anniversary days.

Neimeyer’s tasks

I will elaborate on these in the next post.

Remember: All of these contours are ideas that may or may not be relevant to the individual grief journeys of our clients, and it is only appropriate to use them if they are meaningful for the client. Not every journey will follow all, or even any, of these contours, but they do give us a theoretical framework to draw on.

The background contours of bereavement

I have found that the best way to make use of these more recent theories, whilst still respecting each individual’s grief journey, is to see them as background contours (borrowing from Neimeyer’s belief that general contours of mourning exist as backdrops to individual contexts and experiences, that there are both individual and relationship contours and that ‘typical’ grief responses should be seen as general, not universal).

Reference: Neimeyer R (1999) Lessons in Loss: a Guide to Coping McGraw Hill, New York

The contours of feelings, thoughts, behaviour and physical reactions

Some feelings commonly felt by those who are grieving include numbness, sadness, anguish, anger, guilt, panic, helplessness, shock, loneliness and depression. Some members of a Bereavement Support Group that I facilitated in the past described themselves as feeling shaky, unsteady and afraid or having a hurt that is too deep for tears.

Some common thinking includes disbelief, confusion, being unable to concentrate, focusing on the loss, and disorientation. This was articulated by some members of the Bereavement Support Group as I felt there was no hope. I was confused and did not know where I was going and  I only see dark shadows and have lost sight of the light beyond.

Some common behaviour can be social withdrawal, sighing, searching and calling out, crying, restlessness and absent mindedness. Other members of the Bereavement Support Group said I have to go away to grieve – away from all the people and I've fallen off the track – my heart feels like it is outside my body.

Common physical reactions can be sleep and appetite disturbance, lack of energy, weakness and lightness in muscles, breathlessness, over-sensitivity to noise and having a dry mouth. This was described by some members of the Group as feeling like I've been through an explosion and am looking into the big black hole of space and I'm so alone – no-one is out there for me and the wheels have fallen off my cart.

The contours of common patterns of avoidance, assimilation and accommodation

Neimeyer says that these three common patterns exist in those who are mourning.

In avoidance the reality of the loss is impossible to comprehend, there is shock, panic and confusion, there is avoidance of the full awareness of too painful a reality, the mourner may act as if the person is still alive and may be unable to do normal routines, they may be disorganised and distracted, they may experience vivid emotional reactions as reality sinks in, and the sharp awareness of pain may be punctuated by the apparent denial of the reality of the death.

Neimeyer says: We accommodate loss in degrees, glancing at it, then away until it becomes undeniably real and its implications for our own future begin to be understood on an emotional level. (See reference quoted as the beginning of this post)

Assimilation is about: Learning the hard lessons of a loved one’s absence in a thousand contexts of daily living. (Neimeyer)

It is about loneliness and sorrow, longing and grief (but may also be about relief or guilt), deepening despair, withdrawal from social worlds to give more attention to ‘grief work’, there may be intrusive images and dreams, unpredictable crying spells, depressive symptoms and physical reactions and pain that comes in waves, and there may be more proneness to disease.

Accommodation is: The uneasy balancing act between remembering the past and reinvesting in the future and this continues for the rest of our lives, requiring on-going adjustments. (Neimeyer)

Accommodation includes the resigned acceptance of reality, the possible persistence of yearning and loneliness, a sense of emotional control, an improvement in concentration and functioning, reorganisation punctuated with the painful awareness of loss, possible pangs of guilt and sadness, taking two steps forward and one step back, and rebuilding a shattered social world.

Longer term contours

The grief journey can be a long climb towards reorganisation and renewal, but on a rocky path that evolves over years, not months. Deterioration may be expected on significant occasions and “grief spikes” may occur years or even decades later.

Other contours

These include loss orientation vs. restoration orientation, meaning making/ re-learning the world, continuing bonds and Neimeyer’s five tasks of mourning, and I will elaborate on these in the next post. There is so much to take on board in relation to working with grief!

Grief: the shifts in approaches

In this post I would like to summarise the main shifts in approaches to working with the bereaved, as influenced by the progression of theories in relation to grief.

The main shifts

• There had been a move from viewing the bereaved as passively reacting to grief, to seeing  them as being active in facing death's challenges.
• Old theories were not backed by research, whereas more recent ones are.
• A shift has occurred from being prescriptive and pathologising, to a focus on valuing individual meanings.
• Former approaches talked about lineal stages and phases, whereas now individual reality is the focus and a universal sequence of stages or tasks is no longer recognised.
• In the past the bereaved were discouraged to disengage from the deceased, but now the concept of forming continuing bonds with the deceased is recognised.
• Grief used to be treated as a private individual experience, but now social and relationship contexts are seen as having a great impact.
• Another move had been from a focus on emotional responses to also recognising the importance of cognitive (meaning) and behavioural impacts.
• Former theories encouraged "recovery" and return to pre-loss patterns, whereas now people are seen as being transformed by grief (and grieving is seen as something that continues, in various forms, for the remainder of people's lives).

Grief is a very individual experience

No two people will experience the same grief in response to the same loss and, although there may be some commonalities in their reactions, we need to ensure that we tap into their unique responses whilst listening to their individual stories.  

A Social Work approach to grief

Social Work intervention strategies will be based on a model that takes account of the interactions between social systems and human behaviour, and the influence of our ethical/ value base.

In human behaviour each individual is seen as a complex system of personalities, coping capacities, beliefs, values, choices, life journeys etc., and each of these parts might respond to loss in different ways. The individual will respond to loss in multiple ways, and some of these may be conflicting or ambivalent.

In social systems in relation to the family, the expression of grief will be regulated by norms of family interactions, family roles, hierarchies of power, support, conflicts and by family structures and processes. And in social systems in relation to the broader community grieving will be influenced by cultural interpretations of death and loss, imposed expectations and norms regulating grieving processes. These may be subtle or overt and may be contradictory.

As Goldsworthy says, our approaches in working with the bereaved need to be consistent with Social Work ethics of self-determination, inherent dignity and worth, empowerment and a commitment to the diversity of client experiences and meanings. We need to not pathologise the client (grief is not an illness, but a response to change).

Reference: Goldsworthy K (2005) Grief and loss theory in social work: all changes involve loss, just as all losses require change. Australian Social Work June 2005 Vol 58 No 2

Remember: Grieving is as natural as crying when you are hurt, sleeping when you are tired, eating when you are hungry, or sneezing when your nose itches. It is nature's way of healing a broken heart. (Source unknown)

Grief: the continuing theoretical journey: Part 2

The final part of our chronological theoretical journey through grief takes us to  the end of the 1990s but, of course the theoretical journey had continued over the past 15 years, building on the research of these theorists – and the theorists themselves have continued to debate and discuss their ideas amongst themselves and to produce journal articles.

The Constructivists – Klass & Silverman 1996 and Neimeyer 1999

These theorists challenged the “traditional” theories of grief and introduced the concepts of meaning making and continuing bonds. They postulated that the work of grief is not to sever bonds with the deceased, but to form continuing bonds by internalising the deceased and continuing the relationship with them in a new form. They believed that death ends a life, but not a relationship.

They said that meaning making is about attempting to reconstruct a world of meaning that has been shattered by the loss, and that the meaning of the loss can be revisited and adapted over time.

This is a broad brush-stroke and I will elaborate in a future post. My aim at the moment is just to give a quick outline on how grief theories have evolved over time.

Stroebe and Schut 1999

The main concepts of these theorists are outlined as follows:

• Individuals are unique and so is their experience of grief and loss.
• We need to focus on understanding the unique meaning each person attributes to grief and loss experiences (in both internal and external worlds).
• Grief is an active process filled with limitless choices and possibilities.
• Bereaved people’s continuing bonds differ according to their attachment style – it is better for some to work towards retaining ties and for others to work towards loosening them.
• Different coping styles are adopted by different people according to their attachment style.
• Coping strategies can be used to reduce the grief associated with loss.

They also outlined a duel process model of coping, where there is an on-going shift back and forth between two contrasting modes of functioning:

1. Loss orientation – experiencing, exploring and expressing the range of feelings associated with the loss, and trying to grasp its significance for one’s life.
2. Restoration orientation – focus on the many external adjustments required by the loss (e.g. work and home responsibilities, relationships) whilst tuning out waves of acute grief (avoidance of the reality of the loss).

I found that researching the theoretical approaches over time gave me a much greater understanding of the various approaches to working with the bereaved. How has this brush-stroke journey been for you?

Grief: the continuing theoretical journey

Continuing our chronological journey through grief theories, we have now reached the late 1980s and into the1990s, when lots of changes in approaches were occurring.

Worden 1988

Worden, in his book Grief Counselling and Grief Therapy introduced the notion that the bereaved can take action during the process of grieving, and so feel less helpless. He wrote that there is individuality, autonomy and choice in grieving and that grief is not a linear process, and he also introduced the concept of uncomplicated and complicated grief (a concept that is still being debated today).

He is best known for introducing the 4 tasks of mourning, and they are:

1. To accept the reality of the loss (which can take quite some time)
2. To work through the pain of grief
3. To adjust to an environment where the deceased is missing (e.g. take on new roles and skills and a new identity)
4. To emotionally relocate the deceased and move on with life (e.g. love other people without loving the deceased any less)

Note that these are tasks, not stages, so do not occur in a lineal fashion.

Doka 1989

The concept of Disenfranchised Grief was discussed by Doka, and he defined this as grief from a loss that cannot be openly acknowledged or socially supported (e.g. abortion, suicide). He said that this will impact on the experience of grief, the meaning attached to it and the process of integrating the loss.

He also identified that both males and females show aspects of feminine (later changed to intuitive) grief (intense feelings, sharing with others, seeking help) and masculine (later changed to instrumental) grief (intellectualisation, anger, guilt about not protecting a loved one, self-reliance), and instrumental grieving is less understood (or accepted) than intuitive grieving, although it is just as legitimate.

Rando 1993

Rando built on Worden’s ideas and the concept of assumptive worlds. The major processes of grief were defined as:

• Recognising the loss
• Reacting to the separation
• Recollecting the deceased and the relationship
• Relinquishing old attachments to the deceased and the old assumptive world
• Readjusting to move adaptively into a new world without forgetting the old
• Reinvesting in new relationships and pursuits

Moos 1995

Moos highlighted the social context of grief and said that the social context will impact on the meaning of the loss for the individual. External factors (society, culture and religion) have an impact on the internal experience of loss.

Attig 1996

In How we Grieve: Relearning the World Attig talked about grief being an active process with choices and said it is about re-learning the world. The web of familiar relationships with self, with others and with the environment is temporarily shattered, although the bereaved person previously found meaning in these things. The process of grieving is about re-learning the world in a way that is right for them (e.g. ways of going on, their relationship with the deceased, aspects of themselves and their surroundings). Bereaved people engage in active participation in their grieving rather than remaining helplessly passive – they have no choice about the event, but they can choose how to respond to it.

 In the next post we will look at the late 1990s, but it is worth considering how the theories outlined in today's post might impact on working with grief.

Grief: the early theoretical journey

It is interesting to look at the early grief theorists, as they have influenced a lot of the popular beliefs about grief that still exist today, despite theory having taken a major shift in the interim. I like to remind myself that these are all theories, not facts, and subject to change as new reflections and research occur. Theories also need to be considered in the social contexts of their times.

Definition of bereavement

I like the definition by Dunne, Dunne-Maxim and McIntosh:

Bereavement is all the physiological, psychological, behavioural and social response patterns displayed by an individual following the loss of a significant person or thing.

Lindemann 1944

In Symptomatology and Management of Acute Grief Lindemann identified five features of grief, and these were:

• Somatic distress
• Preoccupation with thoughts of the deceased
• Guilt
• Hostility
• Loss of normal patterns of behaviour

Three tasks necessary to complete grief work were identified as follows:

• Emancipation from the bondage to the deceased
• Readjustment to the environment in which the deceased is missing
• Establishment of new relationships.

A distinction was made between normal and morbid grief and it was claimed that it takes 4-6 weeks to overcome acute grief. I can see an on-going influence here in the popular, but erroneous, beliefs that people should be over their grief in 6 weeks and that people should “let go” of the person who has died.

Freud 1957

In his book Mourning and Melancholia Freud said that mourning is the period of desolation following the loss of a significant “object” (person) and, in order to recover, energy needs to be withdrawn from the “object” and action needs to be taken to reinvest this energy in another “object” to replace the one which has been lost.

This reinforces the concept of the need to “let go”, which current theorists refute. Even so, it does remain as a popular belief in some quarters.

Kubler-Ross 1970

In her book On Death and Dying Elizabeth Kubler-Ross introduced the idea of stages of grief, but she was, in fact, referring to stages of dying, and her work was based on terminally ill patients anticipating their own deaths. However this was also generalised to a grief model for survivors of a major disaster at the time.

The stages of dying that she identified were:

• Denial and isolation
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

The long held belief that people go through stages of grief followed on from her work and this led to seeing  people who fail to begin or end a stage successfully as “pathological”. Current theorists no longer subscribe to this theory but, once again, it does still exist in popular beliefs.

Bowlby 1980

Bowlby saw grief as a form of separation anxiety in the process of breaking the emotional bonds of attachment and wrote about this in his book Attachment and Loss.

His four phases of grief were:

• Numbing
• Yearning and searching
• Disorganisation and despair
• Re-organisation

This reinforced the ideas that grief has stages/ phases and that, in order to have a new relationship, the person has to let go of the old one. These ideas have, of course, been challenged by current theorists.

Putting the theorists in the contexts of their times

It is important to remember that all of these theorists were influenced by the social contexts of their times. For instance, Lindemann was writing in the context of major losses in relation to WWII, which had occurred in the lifetimes of those who had been through WWI.

During WWl many communities faced unprecedented losses of young men from their communities, and mass mourning was acknowledged in the form of the construction of war memorials in many towns. Around this time there was also a major growth in spiritualism as people attempted to make contact with young men who had been killed in battle (especially where bodies were not able to be returned home).

However, by the time WWll came along, communities could no longer cope with the extent of the losses, and went more into denial in relation to grief and trauma, believing that it was better not to talk about it as this would “upset” those who were affected.

The interesting  journey through grief theories will continue in the next post.

Grief

Over the years I have read lots of theories about grief, worked with many people who are grieving (including in groups) and experienced my own grief journeys. From all of this I have concluded that grief journeys will be unique for each individual and for each instance of grief. Grief will always be part of our lives, just as loss will be.

I plan to write a series of posts on this topic, sharing some of the information I have found, and reflecting on experiences. But first I would like to share some general thoughts.

The nature of the relationship

When someone who has been a part of our lives dies, the grief we feel will depend on the closeness of our relationship with that person, and how much of our lives we spent with them. I find this diagram useful:

Using this diagram, it is understandable that some people will feel major grief over the loss of a pet, and others may feel little grief when a relative, with whom they have had little contact, dies. I remember one client, who had experienced domestic violence, expressing gratitude that she was allowed to feel a sense of relief (amongst other feelings) when her abusive partner died – she had felt guilty about this for years. On the other hand, I have had elderly clients who have spent all day everyday with their partners, in their later years, and they have been totally devastated when their partner dies.

The nature of the loss

Some people relate traumatic experiences around the death of a loved one, and thus have experiences of both trauma and grief to journey through. Some deaths are unexpected (resulting in feelings of shock) and others are lingering (often involving the loss of the carer role as well as that of the loved one).  However we cannot generalise that grief journeys will be similar for similar kinds of loss.

A shattered assumptive world

In a workshop I attended many years ago, Geoffrey Glassock shared this concept. Major changes and losses in our lives can shatter our assumptive world – the assumptions we live by, and we need to then journey through grief towards a new assumptive world (which will incorporate both the shattered former assumptive world and the grief journey). We cannot immediately step into a new assumptive world.  For example, we may no longer be able to live with the assumption that our friends and relatives will live into old age, or that the world is a safe place, or that people can be trusted, or that life will be kind to us.

Geoffrey is one of the editors of an Australian Journal "Grief Matters" and more information can be found in this link:
http://www.grief.org.au/resources/grief_matters

The mindset of the person who is grieving

All of us have unique and individual ways of dealing with the challenges of life, and this will impact of grief journeys too. I have worked with some people who have a positive outlook on life, and others who have become immobilised by challenges (and all kinds in between). A strength based approach may be useful here, as it is people’s individual strengths that help them to journey onwards (although I acknowledge that grief journeys are much more complicated than this).

Grief is a normal reaction to loss

I have found in much of my work with grieving people, that counselling is more about identifying the things that are getting in the way of them feeling free to grieve, and working to deal with these. We cannot hasten or shorten the grief journey of another, but we can normalise reactions (many people have expressed the fear that they are going crazy when they experience grief reactions), and walk alongside of them.

Remember: Everyone can master grief but he who has it.   William Shakespeare