The woman on the tightrope: the helmet

The protective helmet worn by the woman is hard on the outside to protect her from unhelpful messages, mental invasions and emotional and psychological abuse from others. However it is also has a soft padding inside to cushion her from her own unhelpful thoughts.

The group work session based on the tightrope: protecting our heads

Group discussion is based on the following questions:

Part one: the "outside" messages

1. How do we feel about wearing this helmet? (The Stones have feelings too cards were used here)

Some of the feelings identified by the women in the group included: defiant, strong and capable;  that I am weighing things up and not letting them get to me; happy and sad at the same time (happy for protection but sad I need to use it); I can see it coming/ recognise the control and try not to let it get to me (I use my strengths to resist it).

    2.  What "outside" messages is the helmet protecting us from?

The women in the group listed these messages: it's not good enough; you can't ...; you are unworthy; you are dumb/ stupid/ lazy etc./ put downs; you should/ shouldn't ...; you're not allowed to ...; guilt games; mind games/ manipulation; gifts with a price; verbal attacks/ violence/ abusive phone calls/ road rage; being blamed; you are never right.        

    3. What ways have we already used to protect ourselves from these messages?

This generated a lot of responses: defending ourselves/ standing up to them (if it is safe to do so); using selective hearing/ only pretending to listen; not showing a reaction; isolating self/ removing self to a safe place; putting up a mental barrier; humming to self; imagining wearing a helmet that is allowing messages to bounce off it; telling ourselves that karma will get them eventually; recognising projection; seeing abuse as abuse (naming it) and don't make excuses for it; the best revenge is living well; imagining being behind a perspex screen and just watching, not hearing; laughing/seeing the funny side; using silence; pretending they don't exist.  

Part two: the "inside" thoughts

1.  What “ inside” thoughts do we need to protect ourselves from?

 These are some of the thoughts the women in the group identified: whirlpool thoughts; believing brainwashing; what ifs/ if onlys; guilt; self-blame; I'm crazy/ I'm going crazy; believing we are not worthy/ flawed/ will never be good enough; I can’t/ should/ shouldn't/ I'm not allowed to …; I can’t upset them; I'm silly/stupid/ how could I …; I'm no good; no-one likes me/ paranoid thoughts.

2.  What ways have we already used to cushion ourselves from these thoughts?

Some of the ideas from the group included: telling ourselves that we are allowed to be human/ make mistakes/ not be perfect; recognising where the thoughts are coming from; knowing we don’t have to change for other people and that people worth knowing will accept us as we are/ how we live; telling ourselves “I am who I am”; challenging some of the thoughts, using humour; thinking helpful thoughts rather than unhelpful; using thought stopping; using distraction.

3.  Some of the ways we may have used to hold on to truths and belief in ourselves in the face of mental invasion, emotional abuse and unhelpful messages from others are by:             

• Naming and seeing through tactics of control
• Knowing our rights
• Using our supports and knowing we are not alone
• Listening to helpful messages from others (the other voices)
• Listening to messages of encouragement from ourselves and others

What other things can we add to this list?

These are some of the things the women in the group added to the list: telling ourselves that we can/ we are allowed to …; going to counselling and support groups; spending time with friends; doing things that are true to ourselves; honouring the survival strategies that we have had to use; knowing that the best revenge is living well.

Part three: self-care

1.  One of the ways we can cushion ourselves on the inside is by believing in self-care. What acts of self-care can we do?                    

The acts of self-care identified by the women in the group included: dressing well/ buying new clothes; exercising; eating nutritious food; having adequate sleep and rest; pampering ourselves; soaking in a bath; visiting the hairdresser; going out and having fun; trying new adventures/ new things; learning a new skill; doing confidence boosting activities.

2.  What is one act of self-care we can do in the next two weeks?

3.  What strengths do we have to remember to use our protective helmets? (The Angels cards were used here)       

The strengths that the women chose were: forgiveness (of ourselves for any mistakes we may have made); beauty (to see this in ourselves on the inside);  joy (in the little things of life); peace (being able to find a time-out zone/ place to gain peace); courage; assertiveness; resilience; carefulness; confidence and independence; being adventurous (to fill our heads with new things); wisdom; clarity (to stop and recognise mind games); reflection (stopping and thinking about what is really going on); patience (and tolerance of self); creativity; trust (in self to survive); purpose; support and encouragement; genuine friendship;  respect for self; honesty with self (the truth will set you free).