Making a courage jar

A beautiful lady, who used to attend a Women’s Support Group that I facilitated, once commented that it would be good to have a jar of courage on the shelf, which could be dipped into in times of need. Thus we had a session on making a Courage Jar. This post is dedicated to Kathy (now in heaven), who faced multiple life challenges with grace and courage, and I still have the lovely notes of support that she would regularly send me.

What does courage feel like?

We set the scene by pondering on what it feels like to have courage, and concluded that it often meant standing up for ourselves and/ or being able to keep going despite the sense of isolation and the challenges. Sometimes it also means tapping into the energy of anger.

What takes our courage away?

Our courage can be diminished by the law, by dominant, bullying or arrogant people, by systems that don’t support us, by depression, by life becoming too difficult and by feeling that our hands are “tied”, amongst other things.

What helps to give us courage and increase our courage?

Some of the things that can do this include: being independent/ self-reliant, having support from others, knowing that we are not alone (there are others going through similar challenges), taking actions to keep ourselves safe, refusing to give in, laughter and humour, telling ourselves that we can do it/ do it our way, and knowing and using our strengths  (like wisdom, cleverness, love, honesty, patience, reflection, independence, hope, maturity, purpose, carefulness, insight, assertiveness, encouragement, resilience and confidence).

Assembling the courage jars

We used coloured paper “lolly” shapes to write down personal sources of courage, with one source on each “lolly”. The ideas already shared were used as a starting point, and any others could be added, so that each jar became unique for each person. Re-purposed glass jars were used to store the “lollies”, and these jars were decorated with stickers, ribbons etc.

Template for "lollies"

Using the courage jars

The jars need to be kept in an easily seen and accessible place (e.g. on a bedside table to use first thing each morning, or near the phone if we are receiving difficult phone calls), or they can be moved around to places they might be needed during the day. When we are feeling down, depressed or anxious, or needing a boost, we can dip into the jar and choose one, or a number, of “lollies” to remind us to use courage, remembering that we have to have the courage to use courage.

Remember: Stop letting people who do so little for you control so much of your mind, feelings and emotions. Will Smith

Connecting with others

It takes courage to reach out and connect with new people, and it can be risky. When it works it can leave us feeling contented and balanced, lovable and friendly, calm and peaceful and no longer like we are on our journey alone. However we may find that we have been gullible and end up discovering that we cannot trust some people; we may end up being abused, back-stabbed, not respected and/or controlled.

Our past experiences may make us hold back, especially if we have been hurt or abused, are feeling traumatised, depressed, unsafe or powerless; or maybe we have been isolated and never been taught how to connect with others.

The metaphor of a castle and a drawbridge representing each person, with a river in between can help us to explore ways to safely connect with others. This is a metaphor I have used with individuals and groups of clients in the past.

Testing the water

The first step is to “test the water” between us and them to see if it is safe to connect, and we can do this by: taking things slowly and steadily, watching and observing how they treat others, tuning into our instincts, asking questions, noticing how they treat us, checking that they are not “sharks”, and even rowing a “boat” across first to check before we start to build a bridge.

The things we need to find in the water

The second step is to consider the nature of the water in order to feel comfortable to begin building a “bridge” between the “castles”. We need to look for things from them like: being treated with respect, lack of jealousy, consideration of our needs, being trustworthy, feeling safe with them, feeling confident and supported, not being dominated or controlled, respect for our boundaries, acceptance, warmth and encouragement, kindness, and sharing in the responsibility of forming the friendship.

Building the bridge

The third step is to begin to build a bridge between the castles, and we can do this by: getting to know them better first, trusting our instincts as we go, respecting boundaries, being friendly, having confidence in ourselves, talking to them and listening to them, meeting with them in different environments to check for different reactions, and meeting away from our homes initially.

Keeping the bridge strong once it is built

Friendships need to be maintained, and some of the things that can keep our “bridge” strong include: knowing and treating the other person as an individual with their own unique needs, giving positives not negatives, admiring their abilities rather than being jealous of them, respecting differences and not judging, mutual respect, allowing space away from each other sometimes, listening not just talking, being considerate, checking out their needs and wants, being genuinely interested in them, and giving them time.

The drawbridges

These allow us to have boundaries to keep our “castles” (personal lives) safe. To protect ourselves we need to be able to say “no” when needed (and maybe re-schedule), ask for space when needed, be able to balance our needs with their needs, tell them what is right or wrong for us, and remind ourselves that we are allowed to shut our “drawbridges” when needed.

 However we also need to respect the other person’s boundaries, so need to:  be aware of their needs and be sensitise to these, not be offended when they need their space, ask if it is OK to visit/ come in, and notice whether their “drawbridge” is open, closed or partly closed.

The strengths we need to help us connect with others

It can be helpful to end this exercise by considering the personal strengths we already have to help us connect with others. These may include: trust in ourselves and our own judgements, skills in communication, co-operation/ give and take (this is a two way process), respect for others and ourselves, acceptance that everyone is different and no-one is perfect, encouragement for others and ourselves as well, friendship, and carefulness (don’t just jump in).

Remember: Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. (Brene Brown)

Broadening our view: part two

There are a number of tools that I have found useful in assisting us in broadening our view, and three of these resources are outlined here.

Broadening Perspectives

The Conflict Resolution Network, in outlining this skill, uses the metaphor of climbing a mountain, to illustrate the need to see a problem from a range of viewing points, other points of view and wider perspectives. They also talk about:

• becoming an observer, not just a participant
• respecting and valuing differences in people and their viewpoints
• looking at things in context
• using a longer time-frame
• identifying what you can and cannot change

Some basic questions to ask include:

• Am I seeing the whole picture, not just my point of view?
• What are the effects of this beyond the immediate issue (e.g. on other people or groups)?
• Where might this lead in the future? 

More information on how to Broaden our Perspectives can be found at the end of the Conflict Resolution Skills outlined in this document:
http://www.crnhq.org/content.aspx?file=66138|45515x

A more detailed lesson plan on Broadening our Perspectives can be found here:
http://www.crnhq.org/files/66138/files/CR%2012%20Skills%20TM/PDFs/Q%2012.%20Broadening%20Perspectives%202nd%20Ed.pdf

The Parable of the Six Blind Men and the Elephant

Basically this story illustrates the value of putting different perspectives together to gain a more complete picture (of an elephant) rather than just seeing one part of it (e.g a leg, the trunk, a tusk, an ear, the tail or a side). The other message from this story is that all viewpoints were correct (just limited), but the men began to argue that they were right and others were wrong, even although they were all right.

The full story can be found here:

https://www.jainworld.com/literature/story25.htm

Or a YouTube version can be accessed here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vn9BUfUCL4I

The Helicopter View

On the website getselfhelp.co.uk it is pointed out that sometimes we can be so close to something distressing that it is difficult to stand back from what is happening. At these times it may be helpful to zoom out our view and see the bigger picture i.e the Helicopter View. The higher the Helicopter flies, the bigger the picture and the less we are involved with the detail at ground level. Thus we can begin to see things from a broader view.

A worksheet on the Helicopter View can be found here:

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/HelicopterWorksheet.pdf

Something to think about: When we numb darkness, we numb the light. (Brene Brown)

"Victim" and "Survivor" as Labels

In her book Beyond Survival: Living Well is the Best Revenge, Yvonne Dolan talks about stages in healing from abuse, the first being as a "Victim", the second as a "Survivor", and the third "Being your Authentic Self". She points out that people who have experienced abuse can become stuck when they label themselves as "Victim" and "Survivor", and encourages them to keep moving on into the third stage, so that life can be lived and enjoyed more fully.

This is not to say that being a victim or survivor is not valid, but it is better not to use these as labels that stick. She names tasks that need to occur in each of the three stages.

Victim Stage

Tasks in this stage include:

• facing the reality of the bad things that have happened
• tapping into feelings that go with this and letting out (expressing) these feelings
• knowing that it is not your fault (let go of self-blame and shame)
• finding the courage to tell someone else what happened (to overcome isolation, fear and shame)

Survivor Stage

Tasks include:

• beginning to see that the bad things are in the past and that you have lived beyond them
• asking yourself "how did I do this?" and "how was I able to survive this?"
• identifying the things that allowed you to survive, including internal strengths, external resources, positive personality characteristics (these may have already existed before the trauma, or been developed after it)
• being able to function productively again in everyday life

Being your Authentic Self

Our Authentic Self is a Sanctuary deep within us where we can heal our wounds, delight in being alive and feel safe and solid in the storms of life.

Tasks include:

• seeing survivor-hood as a significant aspect of self but not your total self, and celebrating it
• stopping seeing life through the window of survivor-hood
• giving up the labels of "Victim" and "Survivor"
• creating a rewarding and satisfying life for yourself now
• beginning to live according to the person you really are deep inside
• having hopes and dreams becoming stronger than past expereinces
• enjoying life to the fullest
• reaching towards your potential
• expressing yourself in personally and rewarding creative ways
• expressing all the gifts you were born with
• trusting your own knowledge and abilities
• feeling more secure with yourself
• being less willing to squander your time and energy on relationships or situations that are abusive or toxic for you

Healing is not linear

Whilst it may be helpful to talk about stages of healing, in fact, healing from abuse does not occur in neat stages, and we may find ourselves oscillating between them. Things like guilt, unhelpful comments from others, triggers and reminders, and needing to go back into survival mode where we need to keep our guard up, may send us temporarily back into victim mode, even although we have moved on. However re-labelling ourselves as a "Victim" is unhelpful and limiting.

Similarly, aspects of our authentic selves may be present in other areas of our lives even when we are engaged in victim or survivor related tasks. This may be e.g. when we are able to laugh at ourselves and our mistakes, when we have the courage to leave uncomfortable situations, and/ or when we trust in ourselves and our abilities.

A great resource

Yvonne's book is currently available as One Small Step: Moving Beyond Trauma and Therapy to a Life of Joy:

https://www.booktopia.com.au/one-small-step-yvonne-m-dolan/prod9780595125357.html

It is full of exercises to help us connect with our authentic selves.

Remember: I survived what happened to me but its not who I am now. 

It's part of me but not all of who I am.

Labels

Assigning labels to people can dehumanise them (we are all more complex than this and need to be seen in the context of our life stories). Labels can create barriers and exclusions.

Diagnostic labels

Lucy Maddox in her book "Blueprint: how our childhood makes us who we are" describes diagnosis as a blunt old tool for describing the subtleties of what is happening for someone and says that it is highly subjective, pointing out that even  DSM lists are debated in meetings by Psychiatrists. She further says that it is more useful to see things like depression and psychosis as spectrums or continuums with degrees of intensity of e.g. sadness or hearing voices, and whether or not they interfere with a person's functioning.

She writes that although labels can be powerful as levers for extra support they also remain powerful in their capacity to stigmatise and shame and are very difficult to remove once they are assigned.

More information on her book can be found here:

https://www.booktopia.com.au/blueprint-lucy-maddox/prod9781472137883.html

Pervasive Labelling Disorder

David Levy has written a tongue-in-cheek article about those who are addicted to labelling others, and this can be found at:

https://gsep.pepperdine.edu/content/faculty/pld.pdf

Labelling theory

Labelling theory arises from Sociology and proposes that people will behave in accordance with how others label them. It arose in the 1960s and 1970s, and key theorists were Emile Durkheim, George Herbert Mead and Howard Becker. There was a particular focus on crime and deviance, and they theorised that once a person is labelled deviant, they are likely to see themselves as deviant and act accordingly.

A good overview of this theory can be found on this YouTube clip: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=do6_KgRslDc

Self-labels

Sabine Beecher in her book "Happiness it's up to you" talks about self labels being illogical, self-destructive and all-pervasive. She says that calling ourselves names e.g. "failure" or "stupid" can make us feel that the whole of us is a "failure" or "stupid", that we will be like this forever and that there is no way out. She also points out that,conversely, labels cannot turn us into that label and uses the example that quacking like a duck does not turn us into a duck. 

She sees labels as opinions not facts and that they are usually about one thing we have done -- they are not about us as a whole person, and to free ourselves up from them we need to turn them into facts i.e. say exactly what happened -- no more and no less. She suggests doing an exercise where we write down the labels we use on ourselves, change these to straight facts and then write what we are going to do about the fact (e.g. the label "stupid" might have been applied after the fact "I spilt the milk" and what we are going to do is to "wipe it up and be more careful in future").

Further, she points out that good labels can be just as destructive as bad, as they can make us go up and down on the scales of worth, leaving us feeling insecure and anxious, and we need instead to aim for self-acceptance. She says that others can put labels on us too, but these will only hurt if we turn them into self-labels and, with these labels we can seek their real meaning (e.g. someone labelling us as "too sensitive" may really mean "I can't handle your feelings").

Her excellent book used to be able to be obtained from her website (however I got a message saying it was closed for maintenance when I tried today):

http://www.logicalhappiness.com.au/

Sabine Beecher Happiness it's up to you:easy steps to self-acceptance and good relationships Boolarong Press, Australia, 2008 (reprint) ISBN 0 646 33230 9.

Remember: labels are judgements

Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be, and embracing who we are.  Brene Brown (berryintention.com)

Shame: the hidden emotion

Shame may often be hidden behind other emotions like anger, depression, anxiety and/or low self-worth. It is an emotion that thrives on secrecy.

What is shame

Adi Jaffe defines shame as "the feeling that there's something wrong with you. It's not about having done something wrong (that's guilt), no, shame arises from the core belief that you are simply not good enough". (Adi Jaffe How to overcome shame and build self-confidence)

Gershen Kaufman writes that "shame is the most disturbing experience individuals ever have about themselves; no other emotion feels more deeply disturbing because in the moment of shame the self feels wounded from within". (Jane Bolton What we get wrong about shame)

The difference between guilt and shame

A very useful table outlining the differences can be found at:

www.nicabm.com/shame/shame-infographics

What causes it

Shame is often the result of being harmed (physically or emotionally) by someone else (especially as a child, a time when we are most vulnerable), or going through traumatic experiences where we felt threatened. Sometimes we may have taken on the shame of the person who has mistreated us, even although we did not cause this mistreatment. We may have been told to blame ourselves for abuse or think that we should have done something to prevent or stop it, even although it was not our fault and we did not have the power to protect ourselves. Our sense of self may have been attacked or we may have been given negative messages about ourselves, even although this was more about the inadequacy if the other person.

We may feel ashamed of not being able to overcome problems and needing to reach out for help, although there is nothing shameful about our pain and reactions. If we've been shamed as a child and been given negative messages about ourselves, then this may be how we see ourselves now.

The shame continuum

Shame can range in intensity from fleeting feelings of embarrassment all the way up to chronic humiliation, where we feel flawed and inferior as a whole person. It may be related to one event or only one area of our lives, or may be more pervasive.

       l__________________________________________________________l

Embarrassment                                                                                   Chronic humiliation

How to overcome shame

Firstly we need to recognise and externalise the shame and its sources, by finding the courage to be open and honest about it and the influence that it has had on our lives (including the messages and self-labels that we carry as a result).

Then we need to seek and listen to other more helpful voices that give us positive messages about ourselves and allow these, and other strategies,  to grow self-acceptance. We may need to seek and accept help from others if this is too difficult for us.

An excellent program based on Shame-resilience can be found at:

https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/resilience-activities-worksheets/#shame-resilience

Today I will learn to reject shame. Shame is an overwhelming sense that who I am is not good enough. I realise that I am good enough and that my imperfections are part of being human. I let go of shame. www.thoughtsfornow.com 

If we share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding shame can't survive. Brene Brown

An exercise in untangling oursevles from difficult relationship dynamics

Sometimes we can find ourselves caught up in unhealthy relationships with others, leading to confusion, anxiety and even risk of trauma. When I found myself in this situation I devised this exercise, based on the metaphors of an ocean liner and a tugboat (suggested to me by a fellow counsellor) to help to free myself up, and found that it was so useful that I decided to share it.

Representing the other person

Find or draw a picture of an ocean liner and glue it to a red piece of paper (to remind us to “stop”). An ocean liner is large, overpowering to a tugboat, and is self-sufficient. A good clip-art picture can be found here:

http://www.moretimetotravel.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/carnival-cruise.jpg

On the body of the ship, write down all the negative/ difficult/ problematic aspects of the person. As this is an exercise in freeing ourselves up from the negative aspects of the person (rather than the whole person) resist trying to balance this with positive aspects.

Representing ourselves

Find or draw a picture of a tugboat and glue it to a green piece of paper (to remind ourselves to “go”). A tugboat attaches itself to the ocean liner when needed, but would be in danger if it did not let the lines go once the liner has left the harbour. A good clip-art picture can be found here:

https://clipartfest.com/download/2d04bf10cc38c9b7ee5134d52aa7db2f3184160b.html

On the body of the tugboat, write down strengths and positive attributes that you have.

Representing the unhelpful relationship dynamics

Find two different coloured balls of wool (one for each person), cut lengths of thread to fit between the two boats (about 10 of each colour) and put them into a tangled pile (to represent confusion).

Then take one strand at a time and sticky tape them between the tugboat and the liner, naming each dynamic as it is picked up. Write the dynamic between the boats on the paper that each belongs to i.e. write dynamics used by the other person on the red piece of paper and write the dynamics that hold you to them (and used by you) on the green piece of paper.

Dynamics they may use could include manipulation, game playing, guilt, “poor me”/ sick role, emotional blackmail etc. Whereas the dynamics that are keeping us attached to the problematic side of the relationship could include wanting support/ acceptance, putting their needs before our own, “shoulds”, sense of obligation etc.

Separating ourselves from the problematic dynamics.

Take a pair of scissors and cut the threads of wool between the two boats (you might like to have a witness to this act to make it more powerful). Then tear up the ocean liner and throw the pieces in a garbage bin (preferably an outside bin). After this you may find that you need to write a letter (that you will never send), to the other person (and then destroy it) and/ or express any emotions that come up.

Now come back to the tug boat page and pull out all the threads that belong to the other person (and throw them away). Reflect on what remains i.e. your ties, and remove any of the threads that are unhelpful. Then cross these out and, if appropriate, write something that you will do about the strategy e.g. “STOP” using it, or accept that it will never work.

For whatever dynamics/ strategies remain, reflect on whether they need to be replaced with something more helpful e.g. a “sense of obligation” could be replaced with “compassion” and add any other that are needed e.g. “put boundaries in place”.

Then, on the blank green area on the other side of the tugboat, write a list of the strengths you have that can help to keep you out of the dangerous dynamics.

The future

Use the image of the metaphor when in contact with the other person to help avoid becoming caught up in the unhelpful dynamics again.

Journalling

Journalling is an activity that is readily available to all – even those who have limited literacy skills, as journals do not necessarily have to be about writing (they can be a collection of illustrations such as drawings and/or photographs).

Journalling as a therapeutic tool

Journals can be a way of reflecting and processing the challenges in our lives and a journal can become a constantly available trusted friend that will not judge us, whilst helping us to gain perspective. Through journalling we can make new discoveries about ourselves, walk the paths of healing and give ourselves personal freedom.

Some general guidelines

Choose a time and place where interruptions will be minimal and consider whether or not we want others to read or look at our journalling later. If we wish to keep it private we need to find a safe place to keep it. If we are inclined to journal about our pain and distress we also need to think about how it might impact on us if we re-read this at a later date. Sometimes this kind of writing is better left to the realms of off-load writing, which is destroyed immediately afterwards as we mentally let go of hurt and pain.

Using journals for specific purposes

Whilst journals can be used as daily diaries to record events and feelings, they can also become more targeted to help us record and explore specific areas of our lives.

Some targeted journals may include:

• A gratitude journal – this is simply about finding something each day to be grateful for and recoding it.  A creative way of recoding gratitude is to make gratitude chain. Pre-cut a supply of rectangular paper pieces and, each day, write something to be grateful or thankful for on one piece at a time. Join them together to make a paper chain, adding a new piece of “chain” each day (or triangular pieces could be cut and joined to make bunting).

• A record of achievements – this could include things that were enjoyable, plans and ideas (new thoughts), challenges we came through and things that were self-caring, as well as achievements (to widen out our thinking about achievements)
• A record of creative pursuits – I have a DVD from Quilters Companion that takes viewers through the process of compiling a creative journal that includes pages for creative projects that have been undertaken. The pages include photographs (of both works in progress and finished items), swatches of fabric used (or wool), patterns, and words about the creative journey. The fabric cover is embroidered  and the result is an inspiring and attractive collection of achievements. This could be easily adapted to other creative pursuits.

• A travel diary – I find that keeping records of our travels has allowed me to re-visit interesting and enjoyable times when life is more mundane.
• Scrapbooking family and other events – this can be as simple or as complicated (with decorations) as desired. The creative process itself can be quite therapeutic as photos and embellishments are arranged and words are added in creative ways.
• Daily insights – over time this can lead to a recognition of threads that are occurring in our lives and thus to changes we might contemplate to improve our lives.
• Our dreams and hopes for the future – this can help us to keep hope alive in our life journeys and maybe provide some goals to work towards.

Useful tools and resources

Inside-out: a journalling kit, produced by Innovative Resources is a set of cards that each features a key word, illustrations, a quote about the topic and some prompts in the form of questions, statements or suggestions. It can be purchased by following this link:
http://innovativeresources.org/resources/card-sets/inside-out-2/

Creative Journal Writing by Stephanie Dowrick, Allen & Unwin, Aust 2007 contains exercises and ideas to inspire more creative journalling, and more information can be found here:
http://www.booktopia.com.au/creative-journal-writing-the-art-and-heart-of-reflection-stephanie-dowrick/prod9781741751376.html

Writing in Bereavement by Jane Moss, Jessica Kingsley Publishers, London & Philadelphia, 2012 outlines exercises for groups and individuals, using a variety of genres to help those who are bereaved to voice the changes brought by grief, the unfinished conversations and memories of loved ones, and to provide a respite from sadness. It also has a great chapter on keeping a journal. For more information follow this link:
http://www.booktopia.com.au/writing-in-bereavement-jane-moss/prod9781849052122.html

Journal prompts can be found on this website:
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/09/27/30-journaling-prompts-for-self-reflection-and-self-discovery/

And, of course, many people use blogging as a form of journalling.