The woman on the tightrope: the storms

I have used the clouds on the metaphor to represent "storms" and the things that hinder progress across the tightrope.

The third group work session based on the tightrope is: Things that can hinder progress (the "storms")

Group discussion was based around the following sets of questions:

The nature of the “storm”

1  .How do we know when the “storms” are approaching?

     (a)    What feelings tell us?

Some feelings women have identified have included: wanting to run and hide and fall into a corner; uncertain and unsure; abandonment; fear of the unknown; angry and scared; a sense of foreboding.

      (b)  What other warning signs are there?

Some other warning signs identified have included: instinct; reading other people’s moods; watching the reactions of others.

2.  Here are some dangers and hazards that can be present in “storms”:

• Unpredictable swells of fear
• Clouds of fog and tiredness
• Bogs of guilt
• Quick sands of self-doubt
• Flurries of clouded judgement*

 *these descriptions have been taken from Journeys of freedoms: responding to the effects of domestic violence – see more information below.

3.  What other dangers and hazards are there?

Some of the other dangers and hazards described by the women in the group have included: lightning strikes of damaging comments from others; rain of game playing; ice of aggravation and baiting from others; hail of other people making us doubt ourselves (either subtlety or directly); crashing waves of others setting us up for their entertainment; snow of patronising and condescending people; wind of meddlers and back stabbers.

The point is then made that these dangers and hazards are NEVER the fault of our “boat” and that the damage has been done to us by others.

Navigating through the “storm”

1. What things do we do to get through the “storm”? (The responses from the women in the group are included in italics under each of the strategies)

       Acts of resistance

Standing up for ourselves; staying away from unhelpful people; not giving ammunition to others; using self-talk to challenge guilt and self-blame.

      Things to protect ourselves

Cutting off communication from unhelpful people; talking to people we can trust; going to counselling; not listening to the unhelpful voices of others.

  Ways to comfort selves/ make selves feel better

Exercising/ going for a walk; offload writing; letting ourselves cry; looking after ourselves and eating nutritious food; finding something we like to do.

    Deciding when to let our boat “drift” or when to go into a “port” and rest

If we need to let our “boat” drift too much we can slip back; we need to go into “port” (safe place) and rest when it all gets too much.

Where our “ports” are

Being with people we can trust; at home; in our own comfortable places.

2.  What skills do we use to “stay afloat” and where have we learnt these skills?

Skills identified by women in the group included:  using helpful self-talk; having realistic expectations; stopping blaming ourselves; patience; trying to be positive; being active; making ourselves do things; having a list of things to do; trying new experiences; taking things a step at a time.

Places of safety and rest

1.  Where are our places of safety to go to when we feel fear (using the Island of Safety Worksheet as a prompt ?

The thoughts that the women in the group had about their places of safety are included in italics under each prompt.

         Ways we can create a safe space:

Have a hot shower or bath and meditate; go for a walk alone or with someone we trust; give ourselves space from difficult/ unhelpful people. 

   Where we feel most safe now:

Places where we feel free to be ourselves and not be judged; places where we can drop our guard.

 The times and places we feel most unsafe now:

Where the people we most want to avoid live; busy and crowded places; around people who judge us or who gossip about us.

  What we have done in the past to feel safe:

Moved; chosen who we spend our time with.

           Things we can change to help us feel as safe as possible:

Bite our tongues and be careful about what we share; cut off trouble-makers; give ourselves messages of confidence and self-esteem.

 An imaginary safe place we can go to in our minds:

We may need to be in a safe place first as we otherwise may need to stay alert to danger.

2.  Where are our rest spots (places where we can just be and not have to keep working and progressing)?

These are some of the rest spots women in the group used: time out spots; spending time with pets; concentrating on something we enjoy doing;  relaxing with favourite shows; watching music videos whilst riding an exercise bike; finding a quiet private space.

3.  What “angel” helper (from the Angels cards) do we want to take with us in the storms and what do we want from them?

Women in the group chose these angels: hope, energy; adventure (to do the things we haven’t done in the past; joy; love (to be able to seek this); assertiveness; insight (we keep gaining more and more); courage (to keep going and not give in); encouragement (of ourselves); respect (for ourselves).

4.  What do we do when the “storm” has passed?

The women in the group shared that they have:  patted ourselves on the back and acknowledged that we have survived; checked how we have grown and become stronger; acknowledged the sense of achievement; relaxed and rested; looked for a rainbow.

Journeys of freedoms

The article Journeys of freedoms: responding to the effects of domestic violence by Kath Muller provided some inspiration for this session. This article can be found in The International Journal of Therapy and Community Work 2005 Nos. 3&4 and can be purchased from the Dulwich Centre on this link:

http://www.narrativetherapylibrary.com/journeys-of-freedoms-responding-to-the-effects-of-domestic-violence-1.html