Grief

Over the years I have read lots of theories about grief, worked with many people who are grieving (including in groups) and experienced my own grief journeys. From all of this I have concluded that grief journeys will be unique for each individual and for each instance of grief. Grief will always be part of our lives, just as loss will be.

I plan to write a series of posts on this topic, sharing some of the information I have found, and reflecting on experiences. But first I would like to share some general thoughts.

The nature of the relationship

When someone who has been a part of our lives dies, the grief we feel will depend on the closeness of our relationship with that person, and how much of our lives we spent with them. I find this diagram useful:

Using this diagram, it is understandable that some people will feel major grief over the loss of a pet, and others may feel little grief when a relative, with whom they have had little contact, dies. I remember one client, who had experienced domestic violence, expressing gratitude that she was allowed to feel a sense of relief (amongst other feelings) when her abusive partner died – she had felt guilty about this for years. On the other hand, I have had elderly clients who have spent all day everyday with their partners, in their later years, and they have been totally devastated when their partner dies.

The nature of the loss

Some people relate traumatic experiences around the death of a loved one, and thus have experiences of both trauma and grief to journey through. Some deaths are unexpected (resulting in feelings of shock) and others are lingering (often involving the loss of the carer role as well as that of the loved one).  However we cannot generalise that grief journeys will be similar for similar kinds of loss.

A shattered assumptive world

In a workshop I attended many years ago, Geoffrey Glassock shared this concept. Major changes and losses in our lives can shatter our assumptive world – the assumptions we live by, and we need to then journey through grief towards a new assumptive world (which will incorporate both the shattered former assumptive world and the grief journey). We cannot immediately step into a new assumptive world.  For example, we may no longer be able to live with the assumption that our friends and relatives will live into old age, or that the world is a safe place, or that people can be trusted, or that life will be kind to us.

Geoffrey is one of the editors of an Australian Journal "Grief Matters" and more information can be found in this link:
http://www.grief.org.au/resources/grief_matters

The mindset of the person who is grieving

All of us have unique and individual ways of dealing with the challenges of life, and this will impact of grief journeys too. I have worked with some people who have a positive outlook on life, and others who have become immobilised by challenges (and all kinds in between). A strength based approach may be useful here, as it is people’s individual strengths that help them to journey onwards (although I acknowledge that grief journeys are much more complicated than this).

Grief is a normal reaction to loss

I have found in much of my work with grieving people, that counselling is more about identifying the things that are getting in the way of them feeling free to grieve, and working to deal with these. We cannot hasten or shorten the grief journey of another, but we can normalise reactions (many people have expressed the fear that they are going crazy when they experience grief reactions), and walk alongside of them.

Remember: Everyone can master grief but he who has it.   William Shakespeare