Grief and loss in relation to childhood abuse

Any form of childhood abuse results in losses, and there comes a time when these losses need to be acknowledged and grieved for, in order to begin to heal from them. There are some tasks that can help us to do this, but do not hurry any of them. It is wise to take all the time needed on each step before moving on to the next.

Externalise the story

This is an important first step. It is therapeutic to offload the story instead of keeping it internalised, and once it is out there we can begin to process it. Externalising can be done simply by writing out the story or telling it to someone who is supportive and understanding. It can also be done diagrammatically or through works of art.

Identify the losses

Taking time to reflect on the losses and to name them is the next step, and it can be helpful to list these. Losses include feeling abandoned, being unable to express feelings, not having been parented well, feeling that the world is not safe, not being comfortable in relationships, needing to take time to deal with the impacts and thus disengaging from living, loss of respect, loss of trust, not experiencing unconditional love from parents, loss of innocence and of childhood, lost opportunities, loss of pleasure … and many others.

Grieve for the losses

Tap into feelings now, especially any that had to be repressed in childhood, and find a source of comfort. Feelings need to be honoured and externalised, and comfort is an important part of grieving.

There is more to the story: the gains

After having taken these steps, I found it useful to write a list of the losses and then, for each one, try to find a gain. I chose to write these in a journal so that I could refer back to them. Here are some examples:

Losses	Gains
Missing school	Developed good study skills
Lack of being nurtured and cared for	Learnt to self-nurture and to care for others
Lost help	Learnt self-help and to seek it
Time taken up managing anxiety	Developed a whole range of useful management techniques and shared these with others
Loss of dignity and respect	More open to serving others rather than seeking status
Loss of confidence in self	Finding ways to re-build this and to share this with others who are struggling
Loss of play in childhood	Developed a love of reading and creating
Loss of privacy	Learnt to value privacy and confidentiality
Feeling abandoned	Sought friendships with others and learned not to abandon my own children and grandchildren
Time taken struggling to heal	Became stronger and more insightful

Re-telling the story

Having identified the gains, it may be useful to re-write/ re-tell the story and include the gains as part of the story (a bit of a narrative type approach). This makes a more rounded story and allows us to see that strengths can come from adversity.

Remember: Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we’ll ever do (Brene Brown LiveLifeHappy.com)