The background contours of bereavement: Part 3

This is the final post on this segment on grief. Once again, please treat this information as something that may be used as a framework to understand a person’s grief journey, rather than as something that everyone will experience.

Neimeyer’s tasks of mourning do not occur in a linear fashion or necessarily in the order presented. Not all people will engage in all of the tasks, and this framework may be totally irrelevant for some grief journeys. However it may be useful for others.

These are Neimeyer’s tasks of mourning as he presents them in his book Lessons in Loss: a Guide to Coping (McGraw Hill, New York, 1999):

Acknowledge the reality of the loss

This is about learning the lessons of loss at a deeply emotional level and involves a series of seemingly unending confrontations with the limitations imposed by the loss. We grieve as individuals and as members of larger family systems. Children need to be included, as “protecting” them will mystify reality and deny them the chance to discuss feelings.

Open yourself to the pain

Avoiding distressing feelings may delay grieving. Feelings need to be sorted through and identified and pain embraced for long enough to learn its lessons. However focussing relentlessly on the pain may be damaging and we may need to balance “grief work” with reorientation to practical tasks and the development of new skills to cope with the changed environment. It is OK to fluctuate between feeling and doing according to need.

Revise assumptive world

Major loss undercuts the beliefs and assumptions that have been our philosophies of life. Loss invalidates our assumptive world and makes us revise it (our behaviours, commitments and values) and this will take considerable time and effort. Our assumptive world will be revised according to the personal meaning we have given to the loss, and we may be transformed by tragedy – “sadder but wiser”.

Reconstruct the relationship to that which has been lost

A continued sense of presence is common and most see this as comforting. Death transforms relationships rather than ending them, and there is a change from a relationship based on a physical presence to one that is based on symbolic connection. Reconstructing the relationship by e.g. encouraging memories, “talking” to the deceased and having cherished linking objects, gives, continuity to a life story disrupted by loss.

Reinvent self

We are social beings and construct our identities in relation to other significant persons, so part of us dies when someone we love dies. We need to rebuild an identity appropriate to new roles, whilst establishing continuity with the old. Death and loss tear vital strands that connect us to people, places and activities, and we gradually repair them by re-establishing other forms of connection. Loss diminishes us, but can also lead to renewal and wisdom.

More information on Robert Neimeyer can be found on this link, as well as access to some of his research publications:
https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/66994396/home/Scholarship.html