Coping with toxic people

All of us have encountered difficult people in our lives, and I have found that issues for clients may include coping with high maintenance or toxic people, who have left them feeling inadequate, unsure and blaming themselves for the problems (e.g. telling themselves that they have not tried hard enough, or that they have done something wrong/ are a fault).

A useful tool

I devised the following diagram to encourage the giving up of self blame and to help us to accept that the problem is not about what we are doing, but about how these toxic people are (they treat most people the same way)

The barriers

The barriers have been created by them, even although they may still intrude on us and we may continue to try hard to reach out to them, but over time we begin to lose trust in them (and maybe in ourselves -- these people can begin to "do our heads in"). The barriers have been created by the behaviours listed under the examples of how they are, and these are behaviours that are unlikely to change. Change involves admitting that there is a problem, and toxic people are very unlikely to do this, tending to blame others rather than themselves. They will also invite us to blame ourselves.

Giving up self-blame

The most important thing here is to see the reality of the relationship, and to understand that the problem is with the nature of the toxic person, not with what we are doing. This shift in thinking allows us to give up self-blame and to stop the tangle of confusing thoughts that can take over our brains. Then we are freer to decide about the nature of the relationship we will or will not have with the toxic person.

Some thoughts to ponder

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are so certain of themselves but wiser people so full of doubts.      Beryl McMillan

You cannot make a crab walk straight.    Aristophanes

I cannot hear what you say for the thunder of who you are.    Zulu Proverb