Work/life Balance

Work/life balance is becoming a popular concept with an attendant industry growing around it.

What is it?

The SA Government on its SafeWork SA website describes work/life balance as the relationship between your work and the commitments in the rest of your life, and how they impact on one another.

http://www.safework.sa.gov.au/worklifebalance/wlb_show_page.jsp?id=111580

This seems to be a commonly held definition in many places.

How is it achieved?

Some tips include:

• Putting limits and boundaries in place (being able to say “no”, not overcommitting ourselves, focusing on the important stuff and going home at the end of the work day no matter what is not done)
• Not being a perfectionist (do what needs to be done and let the rest go)
• Being more organised (setting manageable goals, using a diary)
• Making time for ourselves (setting aside time each day for at least one enjoyable activity, taking breaks, taking vacations, leaving work at work)
• Building a support system (family and friends who we can offload to, using EAP)
• Taking care of our health (rest, sleep, exercise, eating healthy food, drink plenty of water)
• Tapping into our strengths, skills and abilities

The responsibility of the workplace

The onus for the achievement of work/ life balance is not just on the individual worker, but also on the organisation, and WA Health has produced a document outlining the organisation's responsibilities for doing just this. The document Achieving work/life balance: retention and attraction strategies for WA Health can be found on the following link:

http://www.health.wa.gov.au/worklifebalance/docs/Retention.pdf

But maybe it is more complex than this

WorkLife balance.com points out that work/ life balance does not mean an equal balance, and that the balance will vary over time. They say it revolves around achievement and enjoyment and this occurs in four quadrants of life: work, family, friends and self. More on this can be found on this link:

http://www.worklifebalance.com/work-life-balance-defined.html

Then I reflect that the major focus of the concept is on paid work, but the hardest work I have ever done is being at home and raising little people. 

Then someone suggested that the work ethic is a "doing" ethic and the living ethic is the "being" ethic. More food for thought!

Then I love how someone can come along a turn a popular concept on its head. This is what keeps life so interesting! Pip Lincolne in her book Craft for the soul: how to get the most out of your creative life  (Viking, Aust 2015) says that work is often seen as something negative to be endured and suggests that instead we need to shift our thinking from "work = enemy" to "work = love" by making work more rewarding, seeing it as being "full of promise, lessons and growth" and merging work and life.

More information about her book can be found here:
http://www.booktopia.com.au/craft-for-the-soul-pip-lincolne/prod9780670076598.html

A final thought:

  If ants are such busy workers, how come they find the time to go to all the picnics? Marie Dressler

The woman on the tightrope: the invisible man

Chris Burke used the term “invisible man syndrome” in relation to perpetrators of domestic violence in 1999, and it refers to what Cathy Humphreys terms “the absent presence of the perpetrator” after women and children have separated from the perpetrator.  Workers and agencies may ignore the on-going presence of the perpetrator and put responsibility for the violence of the woman, especially in relation to protecting children, thereby making him “invisible”.

References:

Chris Burke http://gracieproductions.com.au/chris-burke-profile.htm

Cathy Humphreys: Domestic Violence and Child Protection: challenging directions for practice Australian Domestic and Family Violence Clearinghouse Issues Paper 13
http://www.adfvc.unsw.edu.au/PDF%20files/IssuesPaper_13.pdf

 The “invisible man” has been located under the storm cloud of the woman on the tightrope as the storms that occur on the journey can often be linked to this man.

On-going effects of having lived with trauma and abuse

The “invisible man” remains in the lives of women and children in memories of the times they lived with abuse, and as they heal from the impacts of abuse (see the post of the first session on the “Woman on the tightrope: the abused brain”).

On-going risks

A number of authors have pointed out that domestic violence often increases after separation, and new tactics are often introduced.

Dr Leah Bromfield from the National Child Protection Clearinghouse (2010) wrote that there is strong evidence to show that physical and psychological violence towards women and children continues post-separation and that the severity and lethality of the violence may increase post-separation, and that these risks need to be taken seriously (I was unable to locate the exact article this came from).

Cathy Humphreys writes that domestic violence usually increases and often escalates within the first 12 months of separation, and that there is lack of attention to the dangers of separation, which is often construed as the only possible safety strategy. She says that the impact of the perpetrator is ever present but often not addressed and, if workers fear the perpetrator, this can lead to avoiding or colluding with him instead of seeing him as accountable for the violence (see reference above).

This does not mean that leaving is not to be encouraged, but that leaving as safely as possible is the goal.

On-going contacts

Cathy Humphreys points out that children may continue to have contact with the perpetrator post separation, and this is often encouraged in Family Law, meaning that the mother also has on-going contact (see reference above).

Impacts on relationships with others

Cathy Humphrey's work revolves around the concept that mother/ child relationships are undermined by the abusive tactics of the perpetrator and that the resultant broken bonds and damaged attachments will need to be rebuilt (see reference above).

Since a commonly used tactic includes social isolation, it is likely that living with domestic violence has also damaged relationships with friends, relatives and other significant others, and healing may need to occur here too (if possible – some relationships become too damaged for this to be possible).

For workers

Shirley Patton reminds us that we need to:

• locate the responsibility for violence with the perpetrator
• respect the woman’s feelings about her partner
• understand the woman’s choices about returning to her partner
• acknowledge the grief attached to realising that there is no hope for change

Reference: Pathways: how women leave violent men, Shirley Patton (2003)
http://www.dpac.tas.gov.au/__data/assets/pdf_file/0014/47012/pathways_how_women_leave_violent_men.pdf

I will cover working with perpetrators in another post.

Beaches

Beaches are commonly used as metaphors in relation to relaxation, but I am mindful that for some people there is not this association, due to negative experiences with beaches during their life journeys.

This is a reminder that in using tools in counselling, one size does not fit all. It is essential to fit the tool to the client (or discard the tool if it is inappropriate for the client), not the client to the tool.

However, for the purpose of this post, I would like to tilt my brain to the positive and share some of the helpful metaphors I associate with beaches. Whilst in Tasmania we sought to minimise the mornings we woke to frozen pipes by trying to stay in coastal caravan parks as much as possible, using them as bases for day trips into the hinterland (mountains, rainforest, waterfalls and gorges) as well as to enjoy the local environment. Thus the photos accompanying this post are all from our recent trip to the Apple Isle.

Unlimited horizons

Whilst standing on a beach and looking out to sea the horizon line is wide and we are looking into deeper distances. So too, it can be useful to seek broader horizons by looking outwards at the wider views of our lives rather than only looking inwards.

Fresh starts every day

It is wonderful to be the first person to leave human footprints on a beach freshly cleaned by a high tide. So too, we can give ourselves a fresh start every day by devising an imagery exercise where we picture the high tide washing away the negatives of the previous day, giving us a clean slate to start the new day, and to take this as it comes.

Soothing our senses

Beaches can refresh all our senses through looking at the beauty of the landscape, listening to the sounds of the waves, tasting the salt in the air, touching the sand with bare feet or the water by paddling, and smelling the freshness of the air (as long as the beach is not littered with decaying seaweed, and then we will have a different experience). In this way we can use imagining being on a beach as a relaxation exercise.

Constant change

Coastal environments are restless areas where waves ebb and flow, erosion is ceaseless and tides rule. This can remind us that nothing is for ever, and that just as some rocks and stones become smoother and more rounded over time, so the jaggedness of our past can sometimes be smoothed as time passes.

Macro and micro views

Looking into rock pools, beach-combing for stones and shells and noticing the footprints of birds and animals in the sand causes us to take a micro view of the macro experience of a coastal environment.  These micro views are windows into beauty and survival and so too, in life, we can take the time to notice strengths and beauty in ourselves and those around us.

Seeking firmer ground

Sand can be soft to sit and rest on, but soft sand is tiring to walk along, leaving me very often to seek firmer sand. So too there are times when it is wiser to seek firmer paths to tread on in life, rather than continue to struggle on a more difficult terrain.

I'm sure there are many other metaphors that can be derived from coasts and beaches. What ones are helpful for you?

Winter

My husband and I have just returned from a month of caravanning in Tasmania in winter, spending a lot of time in the great outdoors. I also took a break from blogging, having drafted the series about the Woman on the Tightrope before we took ourselves across Bass Strait.

Winter is often used as a metaphor for the more challenging or bleak times of our lives, but there can be lots of beauty in the winters of our lives.

Beauty can come from:

• The caring and compassion of others

• The chance for us to grow and increase resilience

• Getting in touch with deeper feelings

• Experiencing the poignancy of life

• The overlapping of the seasons – autumn leaves still lingering on trees and jonquils decorating the landscape and heralding the promise of spring 

• Connecting with others who are also in winter

Some ways to survive winter:

• Immersing ourselves in it instead of trying to escape it

• Arming ourselves with survival strategies and learning new ones

• Using problem solving skills

• Placing ourselves in less testing places

• Having the courage to engage with the darkness and cold

We found lots of beauty in winter. How about you?

The woman on the tightrope: the tree

The tree is the anchor on the other end of the tightrope and I have used the concept of the Tree of Life to describe the tree. I have based the symbols, represented by the different parts of the tree, on The Tree of Life sessions as developed by the Dulwich Centre. See the link below for more information.

http://dulwichcentre.com.au/the-tree-of-life/

The final group session: Our tree of life

This session was structured as follows:

Now that we have journeyed across the tightrope we have reached the tree that has been our anchor. We can call this tree our tree of life. It may be that abuse has sent us away from our tree and, if so, now is the time to reconnect with it.

The roots and the ground

The roots of the tree are our strengths – what things give us strength and who and what do we return to when we need strength?

The women in the group identified that the things that have given them strength are:  trust, carefulness, supportive people, hope, respect, courage, creativity, wisdom, patience, resilience, caring, generosity, confidence, friendship, pets and someone to confide in/ talk to/ trust/ lean on.

The ground that our tree is growing in is about our current lives and interests – what are the things we do regularly in our daily lives?

The group participants shared that the things they do regularly in their daily lives include: doing some craft each day:, eating healthy food; talking to someone; going for a walk/ exercising; doing puzzles; reading; cleaning up and/ or organising; watching a movie or DVD; doing something comforting; listening to music; gardening; going out/ visiting; helping others; being a “bucket filler” by being kind and friendly.

The trunk

The trunk is our skills and abilities:

• What skills and abilities do we have?
• What skills and abilities do other people think we have?
• Where did we learn these skills?
• How long have we had them?

The responses from the women included these skills and abilities: coping skills; survival skills; assertiveness; helping people; managing anxiety; walking away from bad situations; putting boundaries in place; parenting; caring for the elderly; flexibility; craft skills; independence; determination; being a good friend; honesty; being trustworthy and responsible; being organised; calmness.

And they thought that they had leant these skills from: life and experience; parents, teachers, friends and our children; good role models; bad role models (who teach us what not to do); our experiences of abuse; people who tell us we can’t (and thus make us more determined to show that we can).

The branches and leaves

The branches hold our hopes, dreams and wishes – what are they and how long have we kept hold of them?

The women in the group said that their hopes, dreams and wishes were:  to be closer to our families; to have more personal space; to be debt free/ win lotto; to be healthy; to be content and at peace; to have freedom.

The leaves are the people (and pets) who are important to us (they may still be alive or they may have passed on) – who are these people (and pets), what is special about them and what makes them important to us?

The people and pets that were important to the group participants were: special friends; family members we are close to; cats and dogs (our pets). And their thoughts about what is special about them were that they: are caring; are understanding; are trustworthy; don’t judge us; encourage us; listen to us.

The fruits

The fruits of the tree are the gifts we have been given like acts of kindness, care and love from others:

• What gifts have we been given?
• Why did these people give us these gifts?
• What gifts of kindness and caring do we give to others?

The gifts the women in the group saw themselves as having been given included: friendship; respect; teaching/ being shown how to do things; teaching us to be polite and well-mannered; encouragement; renewal; hope; faith; love; insight; wise thoughts; belief in ourselves; praise; purpose; forgiveness.

Their thoughts about why these people have given them these gifts were because: they saw potential in us; they were kind and caring; they love us; they want the best for us; they have unconditional love.

And their ideas about the gifts of caring and kindness they have given to others were: sharing ideas; kindness; teaching new skills; caring; friendship.

The invisible man and the child had not yet been included in the tightrope metaphor when I facilitated this group, so I will cover them in future posts.

Comfort corner 2

When we are working with women who are crossing the tightrope we need to also care for ourselves, as this is tough and potentially dangerous work for us too (think worker safety).

I have chosen to share a recipe for home-made lemon cordial and another slice recipe as, to me, both are symbolic of aspects of this work.

Lemon cordial

Lemons are bitter, but can become quite delicious with the addition of sugar. So too, women leaving behind the bitterness of the past can hopefully move towards sweeter experiences.

Home-made lemon cordial 

• Place 2 cups water and 2 cups sugar in a saucepan and bring to the boil.
•  Add 1 cup lemon juice.
•  Allow to cool.
•  Pour into a bottle (strained if you like, but I like it unstrained)
• Will keep in the fridge for about 2 weeks. 
• To serve: put some cordial in the bottom of a glass and fill with water.

Mocha slice

This slice comes from a book of old recipes, produced by the Presbyterian Social Service Department, that could easily become forgotten unless shared. So too, the stories of the women on the tightrope need to be heard and acknowledged.

Mocha slice

185 g butter

½ cup plain flour

½ cup SR flour

1 tblspn cocoa

2 tspn instant coffee

½ cup brown sugar

1 cup coconut

¾ cup muesli or crushed cereal

½ tsp vanilla

Melt butter, add flours and remainder of ingredients and mix until blended.

Press onto greased slab tin.

Bake in moderate oven about 20 minutes.

Cool slightly then ice with icing made from 1 ½ cups icing sugar blended to stiff icing with milk or water and a few drops peppermint essence.

The woman on the tightrope: stepping across the tightrope

The journey from leaving violence and moving towards re-building lives can be like stepping carefully across a shaky tightrope.

The group-work session based on the tightrope: finding balance and confidence 

Group discussion is based on the following questions:

Part one: getting onto the tightrope

1.  How does it feel to be on the tightrope?

The feelings of the women in the Women's Support Group included; mad, angry, disgusted and stirred up again; angry and alone; like I'm on shaky ground and that I have unhelpful messages and disapproval in my head from childhood; angry that others are trying to tell me what to do.

They also noted that anger gives us energy to act and step onto the tightrope and that here we tend to be alone because we have to concentrate on ourselves and where we are stepping in order to maintain balance.

2.  Many women find that they may have started along the tightrope and then moved back to the relationship, only to step out again later on. Some women find that they move forward and back a number of times. From your experiences, what things have sent you back to these relationships and/ or made it difficult to step onto the tightrope?  

The women in the group shared that these things have sent them back: fear of being alone; lack of confidence and self-esteem; lack of support from others; isolation; being too afraid to talk or seek help; despair; being mind-numbed and unable to think; having to put too much energy onto surviving so none is left for making changes.

Part two: courage

1.  What things have given is the courage to step onto the tightrope?

Courage was identified by the women as having come from: counselling; support from friends; being heard; having some confidence and self-esteem, insight; courage; deciding that we don't want to live like this any more; knowing we deserve better; hope.

2. What "snacks of courage" do we need to carry in our backpacks to help us along the tightrope?

The women listed these as their "snacks of courage": confidence; knowing the we can take the next step; love and support from family and friends; relaxation/ time out; encouragement from others; being able to challenge unhelpful messages from the past and recognise where they have come from; knowing that life is a challenge and not having unrealistic expectations; belief in self. 

Part three: confidence and belief in ourselves

1.  Holding onto confidence and belief in ourselves can make the tightrope less shaky for us, and help us stay balanced on it. What things can help us to hang onto confidence and belief in ourselves?

These were the thoughts of the women in the group: listening to helpful voices around us instead of unhelpful ones; tapping into our own knowledge and experience; trusting in our instinct; building a positive self-image; dropping the unhelpful labels we put on ourselves; not being fooled by media images; self-care by exercising, staying healthy, relaxation and eating nutritious food; going for walks; positive thoughts; hope for the future; learning new skills.

2. The women were given the worksheet below and asked to think of some images or other words for confidence and to place these around the star.

Words chosen by the women were: creative; hope; sureness; certainty; sense of achievement; positive and images included: guide dog; rock climber; police/ fireman; doctor; cats and dogs; birds like eagles, kookaburras, pelicans, swans, owls and pigeons.

3.  From your experiences:

      (a) What things can get in the way of your confidence or make it grow smaller?

      (b) What helps your confidence grow bigger?

The women said that these things reduce their confidence: negativity; lack of self-acceptance; negative and abusive people; being unhealthy; remembering past bad experiences; unhelpful messages from others; depression and anxiety; panic; tiredness and exhaustion.

And these were the things that help their confidence grow: being happy; living in the present; not dwelling on the past; overcoming depression; all the things listed above that help us hang onto confidence and belief in ourselves.

4.  What strengths do we have to help us take each step across the tightrope?

The women in the group saw themselves as having these strengths: courage; confidence; carefulness; friendship -- being around friends and in company; resilience; love -- from others; transformation -- into a person we like better and living our own lives (not the lives of others); adventure -- trying new things/ learning; independence; self-encouragement; insight -- the truth will set us free.

The woman on the tightrope: the helmet

The protective helmet worn by the woman is hard on the outside to protect her from unhelpful messages, mental invasions and emotional and psychological abuse from others. However it is also has a soft padding inside to cushion her from her own unhelpful thoughts.

The group work session based on the tightrope: protecting our heads

Group discussion is based on the following questions:

Part one: the "outside" messages

1. How do we feel about wearing this helmet? (The Stones have feelings too cards were used here)

Some of the feelings identified by the women in the group included: defiant, strong and capable;  that I am weighing things up and not letting them get to me; happy and sad at the same time (happy for protection but sad I need to use it); I can see it coming/ recognise the control and try not to let it get to me (I use my strengths to resist it).

    2.  What "outside" messages is the helmet protecting us from?

The women in the group listed these messages: it's not good enough; you can't ...; you are unworthy; you are dumb/ stupid/ lazy etc./ put downs; you should/ shouldn't ...; you're not allowed to ...; guilt games; mind games/ manipulation; gifts with a price; verbal attacks/ violence/ abusive phone calls/ road rage; being blamed; you are never right.        

    3. What ways have we already used to protect ourselves from these messages?

This generated a lot of responses: defending ourselves/ standing up to them (if it is safe to do so); using selective hearing/ only pretending to listen; not showing a reaction; isolating self/ removing self to a safe place; putting up a mental barrier; humming to self; imagining wearing a helmet that is allowing messages to bounce off it; telling ourselves that karma will get them eventually; recognising projection; seeing abuse as abuse (naming it) and don't make excuses for it; the best revenge is living well; imagining being behind a perspex screen and just watching, not hearing; laughing/seeing the funny side; using silence; pretending they don't exist.  

Part two: the "inside" thoughts

1.  What “ inside” thoughts do we need to protect ourselves from?

 These are some of the thoughts the women in the group identified: whirlpool thoughts; believing brainwashing; what ifs/ if onlys; guilt; self-blame; I'm crazy/ I'm going crazy; believing we are not worthy/ flawed/ will never be good enough; I can’t/ should/ shouldn't/ I'm not allowed to …; I can’t upset them; I'm silly/stupid/ how could I …; I'm no good; no-one likes me/ paranoid thoughts.

2.  What ways have we already used to cushion ourselves from these thoughts?

Some of the ideas from the group included: telling ourselves that we are allowed to be human/ make mistakes/ not be perfect; recognising where the thoughts are coming from; knowing we don’t have to change for other people and that people worth knowing will accept us as we are/ how we live; telling ourselves “I am who I am”; challenging some of the thoughts, using humour; thinking helpful thoughts rather than unhelpful; using thought stopping; using distraction.

3.  Some of the ways we may have used to hold on to truths and belief in ourselves in the face of mental invasion, emotional abuse and unhelpful messages from others are by:             

• Naming and seeing through tactics of control
• Knowing our rights
• Using our supports and knowing we are not alone
• Listening to helpful messages from others (the other voices)
• Listening to messages of encouragement from ourselves and others

What other things can we add to this list?

These are some of the things the women in the group added to the list: telling ourselves that we can/ we are allowed to …; going to counselling and support groups; spending time with friends; doing things that are true to ourselves; honouring the survival strategies that we have had to use; knowing that the best revenge is living well.

Part three: self-care

1.  One of the ways we can cushion ourselves on the inside is by believing in self-care. What acts of self-care can we do?                    

The acts of self-care identified by the women in the group included: dressing well/ buying new clothes; exercising; eating nutritious food; having adequate sleep and rest; pampering ourselves; soaking in a bath; visiting the hairdresser; going out and having fun; trying new adventures/ new things; learning a new skill; doing confidence boosting activities.

2.  What is one act of self-care we can do in the next two weeks?

3.  What strengths do we have to remember to use our protective helmets? (The Angels cards were used here)       

The strengths that the women chose were: forgiveness (of ourselves for any mistakes we may have made); beauty (to see this in ourselves on the inside);  joy (in the little things of life); peace (being able to find a time-out zone/ place to gain peace); courage; assertiveness; resilience; carefulness; confidence and independence; being adventurous (to fill our heads with new things); wisdom; clarity (to stop and recognise mind games); reflection (stopping and thinking about what is really going on); patience (and tolerance of self); creativity; trust (in self to survive); purpose; support and encouragement; genuine friendship;  respect for self; honesty with self (the truth will set you free).