Broadening our view

In June we visited Woolloolni Woolloolni Aboriginal Place in Basket Swamp National Park and walked to an outcrop of huge granite boulders – a sacred site. This experience taught me a number of lessons about broadening my view.

It is worth seeking directions

We had visited this National Park last year, but failed to locate this Aboriginal Place, based on our limited directions. However this time we visited the Tenterfield Visitor’s Information Centre beforehand, and found an information sheet that both enriched our experience and led us to our destination.

Life is like this too – sometimes we can get away with flying blind, but often having more information can broaden both our viewpoints and our life experiences.

Look up, not just down

We followed an overgrown track to a granite outcrop, which we were unable to see through the dense forest from the carpark, and whilst concentrating on searching for the walking track. The track required careful placement of our feet, and we were unable to see the outcrop until we were nearly upon it. Ferns and other native vegetation brushed our legs as we walked.. However, after we had bush-bashed our way back to the car park, I looked back over towards the outcrop and could now see it through the trees as I looked up.

And I realised that we can miss things on our life journeys if we only look down, seeking the track or the next place to step. Lifting our gaze can also change our mood.

Enjoy the richness of complexities

The sacred site was a large balancing rock dominating the outcrop, and this had been given different names by European and Aboriginal peoples. Hewitt, when exploring in 1840/41, had simply named it Wellington’s Lookout because he thought that it resembled the hat worn by Wellington at the Battle of Waterloo (a quick European interpretation and naming).

By contrast the Aboriginal people have woven much more complicated and meaningful legends around it, which relate to its formation and significance to the landscape. Their creation story believes that Woollool Woollool (a Wuyangali, or “clever man”) had exclusive rights to this rock, a centre of spiritual power, but when he died his spirit returned to this place and caused a rock on top of the present balancing rock to fall off. This indicated that his spirit had returned, and it would now be safe for anyone to approach the site. (Reference: Tenterfield and District Visitor’s Association Information Sheet: Woollool Woolloolni).

Seeking deeper meanings can also broaden our perspectives. 

Look from a different perspective

On our way out of this area, we detoured up Timbarra Trig Road, parked on the edge of a hill, and walked a short distance up to another outcrop of granite, where we scrambled between boulders and onto rock platforms for extensive views over Tenterfield and the ranges beyond. To the east we could clearly see the Woollool Woolloolni outcrop, rising above the skirt of its vegetation.

Sometimes in life too, it is helpful to move away from closeness to issues and challenges and view them from a distance and/ or see them in their broader surroundings. 

Remember: If you don't like where you are, just picture where you want to be. (From "Touched by an Angel TV series).

"Victim" and "Survivor" as Labels

In her book Beyond Survival: Living Well is the Best Revenge, Yvonne Dolan talks about stages in healing from abuse, the first being as a "Victim", the second as a "Survivor", and the third "Being your Authentic Self". She points out that people who have experienced abuse can become stuck when they label themselves as "Victim" and "Survivor", and encourages them to keep moving on into the third stage, so that life can be lived and enjoyed more fully.

This is not to say that being a victim or survivor is not valid, but it is better not to use these as labels that stick. She names tasks that need to occur in each of the three stages.

Victim Stage

Tasks in this stage include:

• facing the reality of the bad things that have happened
• tapping into feelings that go with this and letting out (expressing) these feelings
• knowing that it is not your fault (let go of self-blame and shame)
• finding the courage to tell someone else what happened (to overcome isolation, fear and shame)

Survivor Stage

Tasks include:

• beginning to see that the bad things are in the past and that you have lived beyond them
• asking yourself "how did I do this?" and "how was I able to survive this?"
• identifying the things that allowed you to survive, including internal strengths, external resources, positive personality characteristics (these may have already existed before the trauma, or been developed after it)
• being able to function productively again in everyday life

Being your Authentic Self

Our Authentic Self is a Sanctuary deep within us where we can heal our wounds, delight in being alive and feel safe and solid in the storms of life.

Tasks include:

• seeing survivor-hood as a significant aspect of self but not your total self, and celebrating it
• stopping seeing life through the window of survivor-hood
• giving up the labels of "Victim" and "Survivor"
• creating a rewarding and satisfying life for yourself now
• beginning to live according to the person you really are deep inside
• having hopes and dreams becoming stronger than past expereinces
• enjoying life to the fullest
• reaching towards your potential
• expressing yourself in personally and rewarding creative ways
• expressing all the gifts you were born with
• trusting your own knowledge and abilities
• feeling more secure with yourself
• being less willing to squander your time and energy on relationships or situations that are abusive or toxic for you

Healing is not linear

Whilst it may be helpful to talk about stages of healing, in fact, healing from abuse does not occur in neat stages, and we may find ourselves oscillating between them. Things like guilt, unhelpful comments from others, triggers and reminders, and needing to go back into survival mode where we need to keep our guard up, may send us temporarily back into victim mode, even although we have moved on. However re-labelling ourselves as a "Victim" is unhelpful and limiting.

Similarly, aspects of our authentic selves may be present in other areas of our lives even when we are engaged in victim or survivor related tasks. This may be e.g. when we are able to laugh at ourselves and our mistakes, when we have the courage to leave uncomfortable situations, and/ or when we trust in ourselves and our abilities.

A great resource

Yvonne's book is currently available as One Small Step: Moving Beyond Trauma and Therapy to a Life of Joy:

https://www.booktopia.com.au/one-small-step-yvonne-m-dolan/prod9780595125357.html

It is full of exercises to help us connect with our authentic selves.

Remember: I survived what happened to me but its not who I am now. 

It's part of me but not all of who I am.

Labels

Assigning labels to people can dehumanise them (we are all more complex than this and need to be seen in the context of our life stories). Labels can create barriers and exclusions.

Diagnostic labels

Lucy Maddox in her book "Blueprint: how our childhood makes us who we are" describes diagnosis as a blunt old tool for describing the subtleties of what is happening for someone and says that it is highly subjective, pointing out that even  DSM lists are debated in meetings by Psychiatrists. She further says that it is more useful to see things like depression and psychosis as spectrums or continuums with degrees of intensity of e.g. sadness or hearing voices, and whether or not they interfere with a person's functioning.

She writes that although labels can be powerful as levers for extra support they also remain powerful in their capacity to stigmatise and shame and are very difficult to remove once they are assigned.

More information on her book can be found here:

https://www.booktopia.com.au/blueprint-lucy-maddox/prod9781472137883.html

Pervasive Labelling Disorder

David Levy has written a tongue-in-cheek article about those who are addicted to labelling others, and this can be found at:

https://gsep.pepperdine.edu/content/faculty/pld.pdf

Labelling theory

Labelling theory arises from Sociology and proposes that people will behave in accordance with how others label them. It arose in the 1960s and 1970s, and key theorists were Emile Durkheim, George Herbert Mead and Howard Becker. There was a particular focus on crime and deviance, and they theorised that once a person is labelled deviant, they are likely to see themselves as deviant and act accordingly.

A good overview of this theory can be found on this YouTube clip: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=do6_KgRslDc

Self-labels

Sabine Beecher in her book "Happiness it's up to you" talks about self labels being illogical, self-destructive and all-pervasive. She says that calling ourselves names e.g. "failure" or "stupid" can make us feel that the whole of us is a "failure" or "stupid", that we will be like this forever and that there is no way out. She also points out that,conversely, labels cannot turn us into that label and uses the example that quacking like a duck does not turn us into a duck. 

She sees labels as opinions not facts and that they are usually about one thing we have done -- they are not about us as a whole person, and to free ourselves up from them we need to turn them into facts i.e. say exactly what happened -- no more and no less. She suggests doing an exercise where we write down the labels we use on ourselves, change these to straight facts and then write what we are going to do about the fact (e.g. the label "stupid" might have been applied after the fact "I spilt the milk" and what we are going to do is to "wipe it up and be more careful in future").

Further, she points out that good labels can be just as destructive as bad, as they can make us go up and down on the scales of worth, leaving us feeling insecure and anxious, and we need instead to aim for self-acceptance. She says that others can put labels on us too, but these will only hurt if we turn them into self-labels and, with these labels we can seek their real meaning (e.g. someone labelling us as "too sensitive" may really mean "I can't handle your feelings").

Her excellent book used to be able to be obtained from her website (however I got a message saying it was closed for maintenance when I tried today):

http://www.logicalhappiness.com.au/

Sabine Beecher Happiness it's up to you:easy steps to self-acceptance and good relationships Boolarong Press, Australia, 2008 (reprint) ISBN 0 646 33230 9.

Remember: labels are judgements

Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be, and embracing who we are.  Brene Brown (berryintention.com)

Shame: the hidden emotion

Shame may often be hidden behind other emotions like anger, depression, anxiety and/or low self-worth. It is an emotion that thrives on secrecy.

What is shame

Adi Jaffe defines shame as "the feeling that there's something wrong with you. It's not about having done something wrong (that's guilt), no, shame arises from the core belief that you are simply not good enough". (Adi Jaffe How to overcome shame and build self-confidence)

Gershen Kaufman writes that "shame is the most disturbing experience individuals ever have about themselves; no other emotion feels more deeply disturbing because in the moment of shame the self feels wounded from within". (Jane Bolton What we get wrong about shame)

The difference between guilt and shame

A very useful table outlining the differences can be found at:

www.nicabm.com/shame/shame-infographics

What causes it

Shame is often the result of being harmed (physically or emotionally) by someone else (especially as a child, a time when we are most vulnerable), or going through traumatic experiences where we felt threatened. Sometimes we may have taken on the shame of the person who has mistreated us, even although we did not cause this mistreatment. We may have been told to blame ourselves for abuse or think that we should have done something to prevent or stop it, even although it was not our fault and we did not have the power to protect ourselves. Our sense of self may have been attacked or we may have been given negative messages about ourselves, even although this was more about the inadequacy if the other person.

We may feel ashamed of not being able to overcome problems and needing to reach out for help, although there is nothing shameful about our pain and reactions. If we've been shamed as a child and been given negative messages about ourselves, then this may be how we see ourselves now.

The shame continuum

Shame can range in intensity from fleeting feelings of embarrassment all the way up to chronic humiliation, where we feel flawed and inferior as a whole person. It may be related to one event or only one area of our lives, or may be more pervasive.

       l__________________________________________________________l

Embarrassment                                                                                   Chronic humiliation

How to overcome shame

Firstly we need to recognise and externalise the shame and its sources, by finding the courage to be open and honest about it and the influence that it has had on our lives (including the messages and self-labels that we carry as a result).

Then we need to seek and listen to other more helpful voices that give us positive messages about ourselves and allow these, and other strategies,  to grow self-acceptance. We may need to seek and accept help from others if this is too difficult for us.

An excellent program based on Shame-resilience can be found at:

https://positivepsychologyprogram.com/resilience-activities-worksheets/#shame-resilience

Today I will learn to reject shame. Shame is an overwhelming sense that who I am is not good enough. I realise that I am good enough and that my imperfections are part of being human. I let go of shame. www.thoughtsfornow.com 

If we share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding shame can't survive. Brene Brown

A metaphor for our life journeys

In May we re-visited Bald Rock in northern NSW and, as we walked the track to the top, I could not help thinking that the features along the way provided good metaphors for life journeys.

In our life journeys we can be travelling along OK ...

But at times we can feel that life is hemming us in and we feel trapped ...

But if we find the courage to back out of the corner (that is going nowhere), and take one step after another, we may find another way through.

Sometimes wide open areas can be just as scary, and it can be difficult to see the path ...

But if we keep searching we may find signs ...

And connecting with fellow travellers can leave us feeling less alone.

Sometimes life can seem to be teetering on a precarious balance ...

But if we broaden our perspective, this will probably help.

Remember: be mindful of the smaller details along the way too.

Hope 2

Hope is the thing that keeps us moving forward in life and a way out of “stuckness”. If we look around us, nature provides abundant examples of hope. Some novels give messages of hope (e.g. All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr, which tells a WW2 story about a blind French girl who has inner sight and courage and a German boy who, despite enduring the brainwashing and brutality of a Nazi Youth training camp, manages to maintain a kernel of compassion).

Shafts of light through the darkness

Hope is like a shaft of light in the dark patches of our lives and, if we try hard enough, we will always find some light, however small, if we take the time to look for it. It may simply be the support of a caring person. Remember that all the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of one small candle.

A great resource for finding shafts of light in the darkness is the set of Deeper Shadows cards produced by Innovative Resources:

https://innovativeresources.org/resources/card-sets/shadows-and-deeper-shadows/

Inspiration from nature

Nature abounds with signs of new life and new growth after catastrophic events like bushfires, or even simply after something dies.

Here are some other examples that I have observed:

Remember to look for hope, especially when life seems very dark.

An exercise in untangling oursevles from difficult relationship dynamics

Sometimes we can find ourselves caught up in unhealthy relationships with others, leading to confusion, anxiety and even risk of trauma. When I found myself in this situation I devised this exercise, based on the metaphors of an ocean liner and a tugboat (suggested to me by a fellow counsellor) to help to free myself up, and found that it was so useful that I decided to share it.

Representing the other person

Find or draw a picture of an ocean liner and glue it to a red piece of paper (to remind us to “stop”). An ocean liner is large, overpowering to a tugboat, and is self-sufficient. A good clip-art picture can be found here:

http://www.moretimetotravel.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/carnival-cruise.jpg

On the body of the ship, write down all the negative/ difficult/ problematic aspects of the person. As this is an exercise in freeing ourselves up from the negative aspects of the person (rather than the whole person) resist trying to balance this with positive aspects.

Representing ourselves

Find or draw a picture of a tugboat and glue it to a green piece of paper (to remind ourselves to “go”). A tugboat attaches itself to the ocean liner when needed, but would be in danger if it did not let the lines go once the liner has left the harbour. A good clip-art picture can be found here:

https://clipartfest.com/download/2d04bf10cc38c9b7ee5134d52aa7db2f3184160b.html

On the body of the tugboat, write down strengths and positive attributes that you have.

Representing the unhelpful relationship dynamics

Find two different coloured balls of wool (one for each person), cut lengths of thread to fit between the two boats (about 10 of each colour) and put them into a tangled pile (to represent confusion).

Then take one strand at a time and sticky tape them between the tugboat and the liner, naming each dynamic as it is picked up. Write the dynamic between the boats on the paper that each belongs to i.e. write dynamics used by the other person on the red piece of paper and write the dynamics that hold you to them (and used by you) on the green piece of paper.

Dynamics they may use could include manipulation, game playing, guilt, “poor me”/ sick role, emotional blackmail etc. Whereas the dynamics that are keeping us attached to the problematic side of the relationship could include wanting support/ acceptance, putting their needs before our own, “shoulds”, sense of obligation etc.

Separating ourselves from the problematic dynamics.

Take a pair of scissors and cut the threads of wool between the two boats (you might like to have a witness to this act to make it more powerful). Then tear up the ocean liner and throw the pieces in a garbage bin (preferably an outside bin). After this you may find that you need to write a letter (that you will never send), to the other person (and then destroy it) and/ or express any emotions that come up.

Now come back to the tug boat page and pull out all the threads that belong to the other person (and throw them away). Reflect on what remains i.e. your ties, and remove any of the threads that are unhelpful. Then cross these out and, if appropriate, write something that you will do about the strategy e.g. “STOP” using it, or accept that it will never work.

For whatever dynamics/ strategies remain, reflect on whether they need to be replaced with something more helpful e.g. a “sense of obligation” could be replaced with “compassion” and add any other that are needed e.g. “put boundaries in place”.

Then, on the blank green area on the other side of the tugboat, write a list of the strengths you have that can help to keep you out of the dangerous dynamics.

The future

Use the image of the metaphor when in contact with the other person to help avoid becoming caught up in the unhelpful dynamics again.