What is shame
Adi Jaffe defines shame as "the feeling that there's something wrong with you. It's not about having done something wrong (that's guilt), no, shame arises from the core belief that you are simply not good enough". (Adi Jaffe How to overcome shame and build self-confidence)
Gershen Kaufman writes that "shame is the most disturbing experience individuals ever have about themselves; no other emotion feels more deeply disturbing because in the moment of shame the self feels wounded from within". (Jane Bolton What we get wrong about shame)
The difference between guilt and shame
A very useful table outlining the differences can be found at:
What causes it
Shame is often the result of being harmed (physically or emotionally) by someone else (especially as a child, a time when we are most vulnerable), or going through traumatic experiences where we felt threatened. Sometimes we may have taken on the shame of the person who has mistreated us, even although we did not cause this mistreatment. We may have been told to blame ourselves for abuse or think that we should have done something to prevent or stop it, even although it was not our fault and we did not have the power to protect ourselves. Our sense of self may have been attacked or we may have been given negative messages about ourselves, even although this was more about the inadequacy if the other person.
We may feel ashamed of not being able to overcome problems and needing to reach out for help, although there is nothing shameful about our pain and reactions. If we've been shamed as a child and been given negative messages about ourselves, then this may be how we see ourselves now.
The shame continuum
Shame can range in intensity from fleeting feelings of embarrassment all the way up to chronic humiliation, where we feel flawed and inferior as a whole person. It may be related to one event or only one area of our lives, or may be more pervasive.
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Embarrassment Chronic humiliation
How to overcome shame
Firstly we need to recognise and externalise the shame and its sources, by finding the courage to be open and honest about it and the influence that it has had on our lives (including the messages and self-labels that we carry as a result).
Then we need to seek and listen to other more helpful voices that give us positive messages about ourselves and allow these, and other strategies, to grow self-acceptance. We may need to seek and accept help from others if this is too difficult for us.
An excellent program based on Shame-resilience can be found at:
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