Hope 2

Hope is the thing that keeps us moving forward in life and a way out of “stuckness”. If we look around us, nature provides abundant examples of hope. Some novels give messages of hope (e.g. All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr, which tells a WW2 story about a blind French girl who has inner sight and courage and a German boy who, despite enduring the brainwashing and brutality of a Nazi Youth training camp, manages to maintain a kernel of compassion).

Shafts of light through the darkness

Hope is like a shaft of light in the dark patches of our lives and, if we try hard enough, we will always find some light, however small, if we take the time to look for it. It may simply be the support of a caring person. Remember that all the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of one small candle.

A great resource for finding shafts of light in the darkness is the set of Deeper Shadows cards produced by Innovative Resources:

https://innovativeresources.org/resources/card-sets/shadows-and-deeper-shadows/

Inspiration from nature

Nature abounds with signs of new life and new growth after catastrophic events like bushfires, or even simply after something dies.

Here are some other examples that I have observed:

Remember to look for hope, especially when life seems very dark.

An exercise in untangling oursevles from difficult relationship dynamics

Sometimes we can find ourselves caught up in unhealthy relationships with others, leading to confusion, anxiety and even risk of trauma. When I found myself in this situation I devised this exercise, based on the metaphors of an ocean liner and a tugboat (suggested to me by a fellow counsellor) to help to free myself up, and found that it was so useful that I decided to share it.

Representing the other person

Find or draw a picture of an ocean liner and glue it to a red piece of paper (to remind us to “stop”). An ocean liner is large, overpowering to a tugboat, and is self-sufficient. A good clip-art picture can be found here:

http://www.moretimetotravel.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/carnival-cruise.jpg

On the body of the ship, write down all the negative/ difficult/ problematic aspects of the person. As this is an exercise in freeing ourselves up from the negative aspects of the person (rather than the whole person) resist trying to balance this with positive aspects.

Representing ourselves

Find or draw a picture of a tugboat and glue it to a green piece of paper (to remind ourselves to “go”). A tugboat attaches itself to the ocean liner when needed, but would be in danger if it did not let the lines go once the liner has left the harbour. A good clip-art picture can be found here:

https://clipartfest.com/download/2d04bf10cc38c9b7ee5134d52aa7db2f3184160b.html

On the body of the tugboat, write down strengths and positive attributes that you have.

Representing the unhelpful relationship dynamics

Find two different coloured balls of wool (one for each person), cut lengths of thread to fit between the two boats (about 10 of each colour) and put them into a tangled pile (to represent confusion).

Then take one strand at a time and sticky tape them between the tugboat and the liner, naming each dynamic as it is picked up. Write the dynamic between the boats on the paper that each belongs to i.e. write dynamics used by the other person on the red piece of paper and write the dynamics that hold you to them (and used by you) on the green piece of paper.

Dynamics they may use could include manipulation, game playing, guilt, “poor me”/ sick role, emotional blackmail etc. Whereas the dynamics that are keeping us attached to the problematic side of the relationship could include wanting support/ acceptance, putting their needs before our own, “shoulds”, sense of obligation etc.

Separating ourselves from the problematic dynamics.

Take a pair of scissors and cut the threads of wool between the two boats (you might like to have a witness to this act to make it more powerful). Then tear up the ocean liner and throw the pieces in a garbage bin (preferably an outside bin). After this you may find that you need to write a letter (that you will never send), to the other person (and then destroy it) and/ or express any emotions that come up.

Now come back to the tug boat page and pull out all the threads that belong to the other person (and throw them away). Reflect on what remains i.e. your ties, and remove any of the threads that are unhelpful. Then cross these out and, if appropriate, write something that you will do about the strategy e.g. “STOP” using it, or accept that it will never work.

For whatever dynamics/ strategies remain, reflect on whether they need to be replaced with something more helpful e.g. a “sense of obligation” could be replaced with “compassion” and add any other that are needed e.g. “put boundaries in place”.

Then, on the blank green area on the other side of the tugboat, write a list of the strengths you have that can help to keep you out of the dangerous dynamics.

The future

Use the image of the metaphor when in contact with the other person to help avoid becoming caught up in the unhelpful dynamics again.

Triggers to trauma

When we have experienced trauma in the past we can be vulnerable to triggers that cause reactions in the here and now. These reactions commonly include flashbacks (re-living aspects of the trauma). Triggers cause anxiety responses, which in turn activate fight/flight responses. However neither of these are necessarily helpful, especially in the longer term.

Flashbacks

Flashbacks are intrusive thoughts, feelings and/or images of past traumatic or painful experiences. They can be recurrent or happen infrequently. They can be triggered by coming into contact with people or situations that directly or indirectly remind us of unpleasant past experiences and/ or by seemingly unrelated experiences now that leave us feeling vulnerable or anxious or with feelings similar to what we experienced in the past. Smell can be a strong trigger.

Fight/ Flight

Fighting tends to put our focus on the reactions and make them grow. Anxiety breeds anxiety and we can find ourselves caught up in a vicious cycle.

Fleeing can use some of the emotional energy created by the anxiety, but we soon find that we have taken the memories of the trauma with us in our brains. This does not deal with the reactions, and next time a trigger occurs the reactions may be just as strong.

Alternatives to fight/flight in the short term

Taking the following steps may help:

• Accepting our reactions for what they are and reminding ourselves that the trauma is not happening now – it is just a memory.
• Becoming grounded – by focusing on our breathing and trying to breathe deeply and slowly, by touching something (like a chair or table), by becoming aware of our feet on the ground and by becoming aware of our surroundings. Focus on the here and now, noticing where we are and what is around us.
• Trying to get to a place where we feel safe, concentrating on breathing deeply and slowly while we get there. If possible also seek out a support person – someone we feel safe with and whom we can trust.
• Offloading/ letting go both intellectually and emotionally – expressing emotions, talking to the trusted support person or doing offload writing. An exercise developed at Milwaukee Brief Family Therapy Centre is to write down the intrusive images and thoughts, read them aloud to a supportive person, or to yourself  (whilst imagining the support of a person you know who would be a compassionate listener), then take the paper you have written on, tear it up and throw it away.
• Doing something comforting (e.g. cuddle a pillow or soft toy).
• Distracting onto something else that takes up our thoughts and concentrates them on something  that is enjoyable. This is not flight, but more about retraining our brains.

Longer term

There are benefits from learning the skills of mindfulness and meditation and practising these on a daily basis. We may also need to find ways to work thought the issues the trauma has created in our lives.

Remember: we can’t change the past, but we can concentrate on building a better future.

A walk in the Grand Canyon -- a new perspective

The Grampians National Park in Victoria is a bush-walker’s paradise and today I would like you to come on a mini vacation through the Grand Canyon – one of the iconic walks in the area.

Starting from the Wonderland car park, we walk alongside the cascading creek which runs through the canyon (the legacy of a wet winter, as this area if often dry), and finally enter the canyon itself.

We are accompanied by the burbling sounds of running water as we make our way over the path on the grey rocks, looking up at the awesome walls of the canyon from time to time when we pause from watching our footing.

Every so often we glance back the other way to views back down the canyon and towards higher ranges.

Then we continue on through the canyon, which constantly changes.

We walk carefully across a smooth rock face, thankful for the protective rail.

Eventually we reach the end of the canyon, where a small waterfall greets us.

And today, this normally awesome canyon has a new thread weaving through it with the cascading water, giving us a different experience and perspective, just like new perspectives can weave new threads through the stony pathways of our life journeys.

Valuing differences

I have found it useful, when facilitating groups, to spend a session with the participants on valuing differences between group members, especially if there have been issues with group dynamics.

Different ways of viewing our worlds

I modified the following from Experiential Activities for Intercultural Learning by H.Ned Seelye, Intercultural Press, Yarmouth, MN 1996 to give as a handout as a basis for discussion.

This is based on three ways of viewing our worlds – activity, time and human relationships, with orientations within each.

1.       Activity

People may be more oriented to Doing/ Take action, Being/ Self-expression or Becoming/ Self-development.

For people more oriented to doing, taking action is the most important activity and relationships are less important than the task. These people find meaning in accomplishments and achievements.

For people who are oriented towards being, self-expression is the most important activity and they like to build relationships, even at work. They find meaning in spontaneous expression, being themselves and being connected with others.

For people who are oriented towards becoming, self-development is the most important activity and the process of tasks will be important to them. They find meaning in the process, purpose and intention of activities.

2.       Time

People may focus on time as the Past, Present or Future.

People oriented towards the past believe that today flows out of the legacy of the past. Relationships and traditions are important to them and they find meaning in serenity, surrender, history and the lessons from history.

People oriented to the present believe that today is the only reality. They believe that life is to be enjoyed and find meaning in “seizing the day”.

People oriented to the future believe that today is a step towards tomorrow’s goals and they find meaning in deadlines and goals, always focusing on the next achievement rather than being satisfied with what they have accomplished. They find meaning in setting and working towards goals.

3.       Human relationships

People may be more focused on Individual, Ranked or Mutual relationships.

People oriented towards the individual believe that each person is responsible for what happens in their life and must watch out for their own rights and welfare. They find meaning in personal accountability and value competition.

People oriented towards ranked believe that each of us had our own place and respect is due to one’s position. They find meaning in tradition, hierarchy, family and protocol.

People oriented towards mutual believe that their purpose is to make a contribution to the larger whole. They find meaning in interdependence, group goals and connections with people.

Some other ways we may be different

Four other dimensions are presented in this handout, which can be referenced to Trent, J, Cox R & Tooker E (2006) Parenting from your strengths: understanding strengths and valuing differences in your home B&H Publishing Group.

These are:

1.       Procedures (on a continuum from conservative to independent).

2.       Attitude towards people (on a continuum from trusting, accepting and optimistic, to sceptical, questioning and realist).

3.       How we deal with problems (on a continuum from aggressive, problem solver/ solve it, to passive, analyse it).

4.       The pace at which we make decisions (on a continuum from wanting a predictable environment and resisting change, to liking a changeable environment and accepting change).

Using the handouts

Group members are asked to look at the handouts and think about where they fit on each of the scales. Some conclusions they may draw from this are that everyone is an individual and should be treated as such, differences make things interesting, we may be all of the things at different times, it would be boring if everyone was the same, if everyone was the same in a group the group would not work well, differences can lead to conflict but so can sameness, and differences can be good.

Using a poem

After reading the following poem, the group discusses what good things differences bring.

If all the trees were oaks

What if all the trees were oaks,

How plain the world would seem:

No maple syrup, banana splits,

And how would orange juice be?

Wouldn’t it be a boring place,

If all the people were the same;

Just one colour, just one language,

Just one family name!

But

If the forest were the world,

And all the people were the trees;

Palm and pine, bamboo and willow,

Live and grow in harmony.

Aren’t you glad, my good friend,

Different though we be;

We are here to help each other,

I learn from you, and you, from me.

                               Author unknown.

In what ways can we value, nurture and support our differences?

The session ends with a brainstorm based on this question and can elicit responses such as: focus on positives rather than negatives in others, appreciate the differences in others, learn from each other, work together, encourage each other, look for things each person is good at, and see each person as important as everyone else.

  

Beauty from trauma

We recently spent over a week in lovely Eden on the Far South Coast of NSW – a coast that has been shaped by the forces of ancient volcanoes and the on-going power of erosion. This has resulted in some beautiful rock formations, and it got me thinking about how the traumas of life also shape beautiful characters.

We are shaped by our past

In fact we cannot let go of our pasts, as they become an integral part of us and of our life journeys. We may deal with the intensity of emotions and reactions so that they lessen over time, and we can view past events from new perspectives and with new wisdom that comes from experience, but we cannot erase the past.

Trauma can create beauty

The lines of strata in this rock have been laid down over time and then uplifted to form amazing new patterns. Some of the loveliest people I have worked with have been those who have been victims of domestic violence and/ or childhood abuse.

The development of character

The words of Helen Keller echo others who have written similar sentiments:

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only though the experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.

I will leave you with some more images of Eden’s coast.

Organising our lives

When we think of being organised our thoughts often turn to things like de-cluttering, making lists, a place for everything and everything in its place, and time management. And here is a good source of inspiration if you are that way inclined:

http://organizingmadefun.blogspot.com.au/p/about-me.html

We could also talk about daily and other routines (like morning rituals) and being able to multi-task and budget/ live within our means. We could further talk about planning and having organised homes/ workspaces.

However these are all “doing” things, and with a dose of creativity, we can balance them with “being” and take a new look at addressing this issue. Then organising our lives might also include:

• Organising to do things we enjoy – we can choose to take the time to plan to do things that enrich us and to include relaxation time in this plan.
• Organising who to spend time with – we can choose to be mostly around people we can trust and who make us feel good about ourselves, rather than around those who manipulate us or leave us feeling confused or put down. We can learn from others and use help that is offered. And we can balance this with maintaining independence and liking our own company, as we allow time for ourselves.

• Making wise decisions – we can stop and think before we act, and work at things until they feel right. Sometimes we just need to let things work themselves out.
• Sorting through mental baggage – carrying old unresolved feelings and reactions around in our heads can leave our brains feeling very disorganised. We may need to clear our heads by processing and offloading these issues so that we are not burdened with unwanted baggage. We may also need to seek order in, and work through, chaos.

• Being creative with new ideas and ways of doing things – sometimes approaching things from a new perspective can lead to changes in how we might organise our lives. Being flexible and making use of unexpected spin-offs can result in more ordered lives.
• Looking after our needs – we can choose to take time out when needed and consider ways to have our needs met, especially when we are overwhelmed with the needs and wants of others.

Isn’t it interesting that we use the phrase “being” organised, when often we are referring to “doing”?