Connecting with others

It takes courage to reach out and connect with new people, and it can be risky. When it works it can leave us feeling contented and balanced, lovable and friendly, calm and peaceful and no longer like we are on our journey alone. However we may find that we have been gullible and end up discovering that we cannot trust some people; we may end up being abused, back-stabbed, not respected and/or controlled.

Our past experiences may make us hold back, especially if we have been hurt or abused, are feeling traumatised, depressed, unsafe or powerless; or maybe we have been isolated and never been taught how to connect with others.

The metaphor of a castle and a drawbridge representing each person, with a river in between can help us to explore ways to safely connect with others. This is a metaphor I have used with individuals and groups of clients in the past.

Testing the water

The first step is to “test the water” between us and them to see if it is safe to connect, and we can do this by: taking things slowly and steadily, watching and observing how they treat others, tuning into our instincts, asking questions, noticing how they treat us, checking that they are not “sharks”, and even rowing a “boat” across first to check before we start to build a bridge.

The things we need to find in the water

The second step is to consider the nature of the water in order to feel comfortable to begin building a “bridge” between the “castles”. We need to look for things from them like: being treated with respect, lack of jealousy, consideration of our needs, being trustworthy, feeling safe with them, feeling confident and supported, not being dominated or controlled, respect for our boundaries, acceptance, warmth and encouragement, kindness, and sharing in the responsibility of forming the friendship.

Building the bridge

The third step is to begin to build a bridge between the castles, and we can do this by: getting to know them better first, trusting our instincts as we go, respecting boundaries, being friendly, having confidence in ourselves, talking to them and listening to them, meeting with them in different environments to check for different reactions, and meeting away from our homes initially.

Keeping the bridge strong once it is built

Friendships need to be maintained, and some of the things that can keep our “bridge” strong include: knowing and treating the other person as an individual with their own unique needs, giving positives not negatives, admiring their abilities rather than being jealous of them, respecting differences and not judging, mutual respect, allowing space away from each other sometimes, listening not just talking, being considerate, checking out their needs and wants, being genuinely interested in them, and giving them time.

The drawbridges

These allow us to have boundaries to keep our “castles” (personal lives) safe. To protect ourselves we need to be able to say “no” when needed (and maybe re-schedule), ask for space when needed, be able to balance our needs with their needs, tell them what is right or wrong for us, and remind ourselves that we are allowed to shut our “drawbridges” when needed.

 However we also need to respect the other person’s boundaries, so need to:  be aware of their needs and be sensitise to these, not be offended when they need their space, ask if it is OK to visit/ come in, and notice whether their “drawbridge” is open, closed or partly closed.

The strengths we need to help us connect with others

It can be helpful to end this exercise by considering the personal strengths we already have to help us connect with others. These may include: trust in ourselves and our own judgements, skills in communication, co-operation/ give and take (this is a two way process), respect for others and ourselves, acceptance that everyone is different and no-one is perfect, encouragement for others and ourselves as well, friendship, and carefulness (don’t just jump in).

Remember: Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. (Brene Brown)

Getting through January

In Australia January is the month when heat takes over, a lot of usual activities and businesses take a break, the hectic pace of Christmas is over and the children are on a long school break. Some of my clients in the past would report that this time of the year was difficult to endure and they felt lonely and isolated.

But there are some things that can help us to survive this month, and some opportunities that can be taken up in this less busy time.

Cultivate being

Life needs to be a balance between being and doing, and this month provides an opportunity to build more times of “being” into our lives before “doing” takes over again. One of the best ways of “being” is mindfulness, and I have found two good resources to assist with this.

Sarah Rudell Beach of “Left Brain Buddha” offers a blog and free (as well as paid) courses on Mindfulness. Her style is relaxed, realistic and non-dogmatic and she is very generous in sharing resources. Left Brain Buddha can be accessed at:

https://leftbrainbuddha.com/

Insight Timer is a website or App that offers thousands of free guided meditations (including some Christian ones, for those who are seeking these), and can be found at:

https://insighttimer.com

Expand your mind

This month is a good time to do some reading (borrow books from the local Library) and/ or to learn a new skill (there are many opportunities on the internet and these can be sourced by doing a simple google search).

Find creative things to do

There is time now to be spent on following creative interests and hobbies, by either starting new projects or finding unfinished ones that may have been relegated to the cupboard. This can result in a sense of achievement and possibly a chance to build up a store of gifts to give to others throughout the year (or even to prepare for next Christmas). Small projects, that are not too hot to work on, can use up left-over materials from other projects.

Take time to do some organising

Planning for the year ahead can be as simple as writing reminders on a calendar or in a diary, or more in depth. Rhonda Hetzel on her “Down to Earth” blog  wrote some good ideas on this topic this time last year, and these can be accessed here:

https://down---to---earth.blogspot.com/2018/01/january-thinking-about-year-ahead-and.html

Informal gatherings

Whilst taking a break from formal groups, take advantage of opportunities for informal gatherings, by inviting friends over, arranging spontaneous coffee mornings, meeting friends for lunch, and generally doing the socialising that it can be difficult to find time for during the rest of the year.

Remember: During January we have the gift of time.

When life creates the perfect storm

Sometimes we are so overwhelmed by challenges, reactions, disappointments, reminders of traumas etc. that we feel like we are drowning. At these times I find the metaphor of the perfect storm to be helpful, as it describes the situation perfectly, but allows us to step back from it with a metaphor.

 I am not talking about current experiences of grief and trauma here (they are more like being caught up in a cyclone), but when a series of things that we could normally handle on their own, all come together one after the other before we have a chance to recover from the first one.

When we feel like we are drowning

During the “storm”, waves wash over us, and just when we come up for air, another wave often hits. These waves represent the reactions we have to the challenges, traumas, disappointments etc. and they often come in sets, allowing us little time to recover before being swamped by another. Once we are battered, even the small waves can cause hurt.  At these times we might just need to let ourselves react and understand why we are feeling this way. This is a time of survival and offloading.

What are our anchors

There may be people and/ or strategies that act as anchors for us during the “storm”, so that we are not completely washed away by it. We may use these consciously, or find that on reflection later, we can recognise their existence.

Islands of refuge/ respite

Be aware of opportunities (however short) for time out from the “storm”, even when it is not yet over. Life is a mixture of experiences and offers good moments here and there, even when we are feeling overwhelmed by challenges and difficulties.

Storms eventually ease

We have not reached the shore until the effects of the “storm” have eased and we begin to feel safer. But it is helpful to remember that even perfect storms do not last forever and eventually will pass, leaving us to recover and begin to look ahead again.

Afterwards

We need to be kind and compassionate with ourselves once we reach the shore, as we will still be bruised and battered. This is a time for comfort, for allowing ourselves to externalise reactions and for engaging in some self-care.

There are two useful questions to reflect on once we have reached the shore and begin to recover, and these are:

• What have we learnt from the storm?
• What clouds were gathering before the storm hit? (Signs that it might be coming).

Remember: God won't take it away, but God will give you the peace to get through it (Touched by an Angel DVD)

Saving our planet: making a pouch for produce bags

I have found it useful to have a small pouch in which to carry the produce bags, to keep them contained and clean.

I cut a piece, 31cm x 17cm, in fabric that matched the casings of the produce bags, and then hemmed both ends of the short sides (folding the fabric over 1 cm twice).

Then I marked the centres of each short end with a pin ....

and placed two sides of a snap separately  on each end (checking to see that it will join together when overlapping on the right side of the fabric). I used a tool that I have not been happy with (it requires a lot of force and too much force tends to distort the hole for the top of the snap to go into, making it impossible to close). I have since ordered another tool and snaps from Snaps Australia, as I believe these will be easier to use, and these can be purchased on line from:

https://www.snapsaustralia.com.au/

Next I closed the snap and turned the pouch inside out, lined up the sides so that the snap was in the middle of the pouch and sewed seams on both sides, over locking them as well for neatness.

Finally, I opened the snap and turned the pouch back to the right side.

I rolled the produce bags up and found that 3 will fit nicely into the pouch.

 Remember: If you don't fear failure, it frees you up. (Anon)

Saving our planet: making produce bags

On my quest to reduce single use plastic, I next designed some produce bags to replace the single use plastic bags in the fruit and vegetable section of the supermarket.

I used a fairly sheer chiffon, which is difficult to cut and sew, so try to seek the stiffest fabric of this type possible.

For a basic bag I cut a piece of chiffon 82 cm long and 35 cm wide.

Fold in half along the long sides and begin to make a french seam by sewing the side seams together.

Then turn the bag inside out and sew the side seams again, this time enclosing the raw edges in the new seams. Turn inside out again so that the french seam is on the inside of the bag.

Measure across the top of the bag (mine was now about 30 cm wide).

From patterned cotton fabric cut 2 pieces 5 cm wide and the length of the top of the bag plus 2 cm (i.e. 32 cm for mine). Fold each end over 1 cm and iron down, then fold the casing in half and iron again (enclosing the folded ends).

Pin the casings to the top of the bag (right sides together), with the ends of each matching up with the side seams.

Sew these right around the top and then neaten with an over-locker or zig-zag stitch.

Fold the casing up (don't iron as it may melt the chiffon -- just finger press).

Cut two pieces of cord that are longer than the entire top of the bag (allowing enough length to tie them together at the edge of the bag). So, for my bag I cut two lengths of cord 80 cm long.

Thread each length of cord through both casings (each one will begin on a different seam edge) and tie each of the ends together with a knot. This makes it easier to pull up the cords, pulling at both sides simultaneously.

Smaller bags can be made from any left-over fabric, and used when only one or two items of food are purchased. And, of course, larger bags can be sewn as well. These are all light-weight and should allow produce to still be scanned at the checkout. I made a small pouch to carry them in and will write a post on this in the future.

Remember: Anxiety and defensiveness closes the mind to new learning and narrows perspective, whereas openness widens perspectives and allows new connections and insights.

Being re-traumatised

Last week I found myself unexpectedly re-traumatised back to childhood issues, by an encounter that triggered reactions. At first I thought I was OK, but then strong feelings, reactions and thoughts told me that the incident had definitely re-traumatised me. I think that quite often re-traumatisation does creep up on people, as we automatically go into protection/ defence and/or detachment mode to get through the trigger.

These are the things that I have found helpful in beginning to recover:

Give yourself time

I find that reminding myself that it often takes 2 weeks for trauma reactions to ease, helps. The most intense reactions will be in the first week, and I know that they will gradually become less dominant in my life as the days pass. It also is a reminder that I am not going crazy.

Externalise the reactions

It is unhelpful to let thoughts and feelings keep swirling in our heads, as we are allowing ourselves to be easily sucked into whirlpool thoughts. I needed to unburden to a supportive person, but could have used offload writing to get them out of my head, so that I could then process them.

An entry on whirlpool thoughts can be found here:
http://reflectionsofaruralsocialworker.blogspot.com/2015/04/whirlpool-thinking.html

And on offload writing here:
http://reflectionsofaruralsocialworker.blogspot.com/2015/08/offload-writing.html

Do something creative and/or reaffirming

I once listened to an episode of "Conversations" with Richard Fidler, where the lady being interviewed was talking about her experiences with depression, and how she cooked her way out of it. She had not engaged in counselling or drug therapy and this gave me pause for thought.

During the last week I have found that continuing to sew Christmas gifts, process produce from the garden (that I have grown) and engage in creative cooking, have all given me moments of believing in myself again and these have begun to take over from the outbursts of reactions. I think that is is very important to re-find our true selves after being re-traumatised, as trauma turns us into people we are really not, behaving in ways that are not usual for us.

Give to others

This is an excellent way of re-focusing our thoughts and re-connecting with living after being re-traumatised. I like the ideas about 24 days of random acts of kindness in the lead up to Christmas and, although this has not been possible for me this year, I have been more conscious of reaching out to others with a supportive card and note, helping with toys for needy children and engaging in projects that give to others. 

Remember: You have the right to be less than perfect. God made us human, so we're allowed to be human. ("Touched by an Angel" TV Series)