Grief and loss in relation to childhood abuse

Any form of childhood abuse results in losses, and there comes a time when these losses need to be acknowledged and grieved for, in order to begin to heal from them. There are some tasks that can help us to do this, but do not hurry any of them. It is wise to take all the time needed on each step before moving on to the next.

Externalise the story

This is an important first step. It is therapeutic to offload the story instead of keeping it internalised, and once it is out there we can begin to process it. Externalising can be done simply by writing out the story or telling it to someone who is supportive and understanding. It can also be done diagrammatically or through works of art.

Identify the losses

Taking time to reflect on the losses and to name them is the next step, and it can be helpful to list these. Losses include feeling abandoned, being unable to express feelings, not having been parented well, feeling that the world is not safe, not being comfortable in relationships, needing to take time to deal with the impacts and thus disengaging from living, loss of respect, loss of trust, not experiencing unconditional love from parents, loss of innocence and of childhood, lost opportunities, loss of pleasure … and many others.

Grieve for the losses

Tap into feelings now, especially any that had to be repressed in childhood, and find a source of comfort. Feelings need to be honoured and externalised, and comfort is an important part of grieving.

There is more to the story: the gains

After having taken these steps, I found it useful to write a list of the losses and then, for each one, try to find a gain. I chose to write these in a journal so that I could refer back to them. Here are some examples:

Losses	Gains
Missing school	Developed good study skills
Lack of being nurtured and cared for	Learnt to self-nurture and to care for others
Lost help	Learnt self-help and to seek it
Time taken up managing anxiety	Developed a whole range of useful management techniques and shared these with others
Loss of dignity and respect	More open to serving others rather than seeking status
Loss of confidence in self	Finding ways to re-build this and to share this with others who are struggling
Loss of play in childhood	Developed a love of reading and creating
Loss of privacy	Learnt to value privacy and confidentiality
Feeling abandoned	Sought friendships with others and learned not to abandon my own children and grandchildren
Time taken struggling to heal	Became stronger and more insightful

Re-telling the story

Having identified the gains, it may be useful to re-write/ re-tell the story and include the gains as part of the story (a bit of a narrative type approach). This makes a more rounded story and allows us to see that strengths can come from adversity.

Remember: Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we’ll ever do (Brene Brown LiveLifeHappy.com)

Looking sideways

Back in June 2014 I wrote in my diary that the sunrise this morning was a blaze of billowing red, but I had needed to look sideways to see it. How often we concentrate on the view ahead and miss something extra special when we don’t look sideways. This, of course, is another form of broadening our view and is also a metaphor for lateral thinking.

Being enriched in the shades of grey

Black and white thinking is so limiting. It excludes allowing us to be enriched in the shades of grey, a place of no easy answers, but a place that is also less likely to result in simplistic solutions to complex problems – simplistic solutions that lead to many unexpected consequences and thus more problems.

Finding alternate ways of doing things

There is usually never only one right way to do something. Rather there are more likely to be many ways, and some may be more effective than others. If we stick to only one way (because it has worked) we may miss a better or easier way, because we have neglected to look sideways. Looking sideways may also result in us learning something new.

Seeing danger coming

If we don’t look sideways we may miss the approach of something dangerous. Remember the childhood mantra of look to the right and look to the left before we cross the road? Looking sideways can give us the chance to evade or prepare for the approach of something we need to protect ourselves from.

Finding unexpected delights and pleasures

Just as I would have missed a beautiful sunrise if I had not looked sideways, so we can pass by other enriching experiences without knowing, unless we keep gazing around to the sides as we travel our life journeys.

Counselling is often about helping others to look sideways

Many counselling theories and techniques have the ultimate goal of helping clients to see things from new perspectives. For instance Narrative Therapy is based on seeking alternate strength based stories, Solution Focused Therapy looks for exceptions and CBT seeks to change unhelpful thinking patterns into those which are more helpful. These are all forms of looking sideways.

Remember: If we spend all our time focused on the horizon, we may miss treasures that the waves carry to the shore. Rachael Magowan (www.rachaelmagowan.com)

Broadening our view: part two

There are a number of tools that I have found useful in assisting us in broadening our view, and three of these resources are outlined here.

Broadening Perspectives

The Conflict Resolution Network, in outlining this skill, uses the metaphor of climbing a mountain, to illustrate the need to see a problem from a range of viewing points, other points of view and wider perspectives. They also talk about:

• becoming an observer, not just a participant
• respecting and valuing differences in people and their viewpoints
• looking at things in context
• using a longer time-frame
• identifying what you can and cannot change

Some basic questions to ask include:

• Am I seeing the whole picture, not just my point of view?
• What are the effects of this beyond the immediate issue (e.g. on other people or groups)?
• Where might this lead in the future? 

More information on how to Broaden our Perspectives can be found at the end of the Conflict Resolution Skills outlined in this document:
http://www.crnhq.org/content.aspx?file=66138|45515x

A more detailed lesson plan on Broadening our Perspectives can be found here:
http://www.crnhq.org/files/66138/files/CR%2012%20Skills%20TM/PDFs/Q%2012.%20Broadening%20Perspectives%202nd%20Ed.pdf

The Parable of the Six Blind Men and the Elephant

Basically this story illustrates the value of putting different perspectives together to gain a more complete picture (of an elephant) rather than just seeing one part of it (e.g a leg, the trunk, a tusk, an ear, the tail or a side). The other message from this story is that all viewpoints were correct (just limited), but the men began to argue that they were right and others were wrong, even although they were all right.

The full story can be found here:

https://www.jainworld.com/literature/story25.htm

Or a YouTube version can be accessed here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vn9BUfUCL4I

The Helicopter View

On the website getselfhelp.co.uk it is pointed out that sometimes we can be so close to something distressing that it is difficult to stand back from what is happening. At these times it may be helpful to zoom out our view and see the bigger picture i.e the Helicopter View. The higher the Helicopter flies, the bigger the picture and the less we are involved with the detail at ground level. Thus we can begin to see things from a broader view.

A worksheet on the Helicopter View can be found here:

https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/HelicopterWorksheet.pdf

Something to think about: When we numb darkness, we numb the light. (Brene Brown)