This is not to say that being a victim or survivor is not valid, but it is better not to use these as labels that stick. She names tasks that need to occur in each of the three stages.
Victim Stage
Tasks in this stage include:
- facing the reality of the bad things that have happened
- tapping into feelings that go with this and letting out (expressing) these feelings
- knowing that it is not your fault (let go of self-blame and shame)
- finding the courage to tell someone else what happened (to overcome isolation, fear and shame)
Survivor Stage
Tasks include:
- beginning to see that the bad things are in the past and that you have lived beyond them
- asking yourself "how did I do this?" and "how was I able to survive this?"
- identifying the things that allowed you to survive, including internal strengths, external resources, positive personality characteristics (these may have already existed before the trauma, or been developed after it)
- being able to function productively again in everyday life
Being your Authentic Self
Our Authentic Self is a Sanctuary deep within us where we can heal our wounds, delight in being alive and feel safe and solid in the storms of life.
Tasks include:
- seeing survivor-hood as a significant aspect of self but not your total self, and celebrating it
- stopping seeing life through the window of survivor-hood
- giving up the labels of "Victim" and "Survivor"
- creating a rewarding and satisfying life for yourself now
- beginning to live according to the person you really are deep inside
- having hopes and dreams becoming stronger than past expereinces
- enjoying life to the fullest
- reaching towards your potential
- expressing yourself in personally and rewarding creative ways
- expressing all the gifts you were born with
- trusting your own knowledge and abilities
- feeling more secure with yourself
- being less willing to squander your time and energy on relationships or situations that are abusive or toxic for you
Healing is not linear
Whilst it may be helpful to talk about stages of healing, in fact, healing from abuse does not occur in neat stages, and we may find ourselves oscillating between them. Things like guilt, unhelpful comments from others, triggers and reminders, and needing to go back into survival mode where we need to keep our guard up, may send us temporarily back into victim mode, even although we have moved on. However re-labelling ourselves as a "Victim" is unhelpful and limiting.
Similarly, aspects of our authentic selves may be present in other areas of our lives even when we are engaged in victim or survivor related tasks. This may be e.g. when we are able to laugh at ourselves and our mistakes, when we have the courage to leave uncomfortable situations, and/ or when we trust in ourselves and our abilities.
A great resource
Yvonne's book is currently available as One Small Step: Moving Beyond Trauma and Therapy to a Life of Joy:https://www.booktopia.com.au/one-small-step-yvonne-m-dolan/prod9780595125357.html
It is full of exercises to help us connect with our authentic selves.