A metaphor for our life journeys

In May we re-visited Bald Rock in northern NSW and, as we walked the track to the top, I could not help thinking that the features along the way provided good metaphors for life journeys.

In our life journeys we can be travelling along OK ...

But at times we can feel that life is hemming us in and we feel trapped ...

But if we find the courage to back out of the corner (that is going nowhere), and take one step after another, we may find another way through.

Sometimes wide open areas can be just as scary, and it can be difficult to see the path ...

But if we keep searching we may find signs ...

And connecting with fellow travellers can leave us feeling less alone.

Sometimes life can seem to be teetering on a precarious balance ...

But if we broaden our perspective, this will probably help.

Remember: be mindful of the smaller details along the way too.

Hope 2

Hope is the thing that keeps us moving forward in life and a way out of “stuckness”. If we look around us, nature provides abundant examples of hope. Some novels give messages of hope (e.g. All the Light We Cannot See by Anthony Doerr, which tells a WW2 story about a blind French girl who has inner sight and courage and a German boy who, despite enduring the brainwashing and brutality of a Nazi Youth training camp, manages to maintain a kernel of compassion).

Shafts of light through the darkness

Hope is like a shaft of light in the dark patches of our lives and, if we try hard enough, we will always find some light, however small, if we take the time to look for it. It may simply be the support of a caring person. Remember that all the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of one small candle.

A great resource for finding shafts of light in the darkness is the set of Deeper Shadows cards produced by Innovative Resources:

https://innovativeresources.org/resources/card-sets/shadows-and-deeper-shadows/

Inspiration from nature

Nature abounds with signs of new life and new growth after catastrophic events like bushfires, or even simply after something dies.

Here are some other examples that I have observed:

Remember to look for hope, especially when life seems very dark.

An exercise in untangling oursevles from difficult relationship dynamics

Sometimes we can find ourselves caught up in unhealthy relationships with others, leading to confusion, anxiety and even risk of trauma. When I found myself in this situation I devised this exercise, based on the metaphors of an ocean liner and a tugboat (suggested to me by a fellow counsellor) to help to free myself up, and found that it was so useful that I decided to share it.

Representing the other person

Find or draw a picture of an ocean liner and glue it to a red piece of paper (to remind us to “stop”). An ocean liner is large, overpowering to a tugboat, and is self-sufficient. A good clip-art picture can be found here:

http://www.moretimetotravel.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/carnival-cruise.jpg

On the body of the ship, write down all the negative/ difficult/ problematic aspects of the person. As this is an exercise in freeing ourselves up from the negative aspects of the person (rather than the whole person) resist trying to balance this with positive aspects.

Representing ourselves

Find or draw a picture of a tugboat and glue it to a green piece of paper (to remind ourselves to “go”). A tugboat attaches itself to the ocean liner when needed, but would be in danger if it did not let the lines go once the liner has left the harbour. A good clip-art picture can be found here:

https://clipartfest.com/download/2d04bf10cc38c9b7ee5134d52aa7db2f3184160b.html

On the body of the tugboat, write down strengths and positive attributes that you have.

Representing the unhelpful relationship dynamics

Find two different coloured balls of wool (one for each person), cut lengths of thread to fit between the two boats (about 10 of each colour) and put them into a tangled pile (to represent confusion).

Then take one strand at a time and sticky tape them between the tugboat and the liner, naming each dynamic as it is picked up. Write the dynamic between the boats on the paper that each belongs to i.e. write dynamics used by the other person on the red piece of paper and write the dynamics that hold you to them (and used by you) on the green piece of paper.

Dynamics they may use could include manipulation, game playing, guilt, “poor me”/ sick role, emotional blackmail etc. Whereas the dynamics that are keeping us attached to the problematic side of the relationship could include wanting support/ acceptance, putting their needs before our own, “shoulds”, sense of obligation etc.

Separating ourselves from the problematic dynamics.

Take a pair of scissors and cut the threads of wool between the two boats (you might like to have a witness to this act to make it more powerful). Then tear up the ocean liner and throw the pieces in a garbage bin (preferably an outside bin). After this you may find that you need to write a letter (that you will never send), to the other person (and then destroy it) and/ or express any emotions that come up.

Now come back to the tug boat page and pull out all the threads that belong to the other person (and throw them away). Reflect on what remains i.e. your ties, and remove any of the threads that are unhelpful. Then cross these out and, if appropriate, write something that you will do about the strategy e.g. “STOP” using it, or accept that it will never work.

For whatever dynamics/ strategies remain, reflect on whether they need to be replaced with something more helpful e.g. a “sense of obligation” could be replaced with “compassion” and add any other that are needed e.g. “put boundaries in place”.

Then, on the blank green area on the other side of the tugboat, write a list of the strengths you have that can help to keep you out of the dangerous dynamics.

The future

Use the image of the metaphor when in contact with the other person to help avoid becoming caught up in the unhelpful dynamics again.

Triggers to trauma

When we have experienced trauma in the past we can be vulnerable to triggers that cause reactions in the here and now. These reactions commonly include flashbacks (re-living aspects of the trauma). Triggers cause anxiety responses, which in turn activate fight/flight responses. However neither of these are necessarily helpful, especially in the longer term.

Flashbacks

Flashbacks are intrusive thoughts, feelings and/or images of past traumatic or painful experiences. They can be recurrent or happen infrequently. They can be triggered by coming into contact with people or situations that directly or indirectly remind us of unpleasant past experiences and/ or by seemingly unrelated experiences now that leave us feeling vulnerable or anxious or with feelings similar to what we experienced in the past. Smell can be a strong trigger.

Fight/ Flight

Fighting tends to put our focus on the reactions and make them grow. Anxiety breeds anxiety and we can find ourselves caught up in a vicious cycle.

Fleeing can use some of the emotional energy created by the anxiety, but we soon find that we have taken the memories of the trauma with us in our brains. This does not deal with the reactions, and next time a trigger occurs the reactions may be just as strong.

Alternatives to fight/flight in the short term

Taking the following steps may help:

• Accepting our reactions for what they are and reminding ourselves that the trauma is not happening now – it is just a memory.
• Becoming grounded – by focusing on our breathing and trying to breathe deeply and slowly, by touching something (like a chair or table), by becoming aware of our feet on the ground and by becoming aware of our surroundings. Focus on the here and now, noticing where we are and what is around us.
• Trying to get to a place where we feel safe, concentrating on breathing deeply and slowly while we get there. If possible also seek out a support person – someone we feel safe with and whom we can trust.
• Offloading/ letting go both intellectually and emotionally – expressing emotions, talking to the trusted support person or doing offload writing. An exercise developed at Milwaukee Brief Family Therapy Centre is to write down the intrusive images and thoughts, read them aloud to a supportive person, or to yourself  (whilst imagining the support of a person you know who would be a compassionate listener), then take the paper you have written on, tear it up and throw it away.
• Doing something comforting (e.g. cuddle a pillow or soft toy).
• Distracting onto something else that takes up our thoughts and concentrates them on something  that is enjoyable. This is not flight, but more about retraining our brains.

Longer term

There are benefits from learning the skills of mindfulness and meditation and practising these on a daily basis. We may also need to find ways to work thought the issues the trauma has created in our lives.

Remember: we can’t change the past, but we can concentrate on building a better future.