A walk in the Grand Canyon -- a new perspective

The Grampians National Park in Victoria is a bush-walker’s paradise and today I would like you to come on a mini vacation through the Grand Canyon – one of the iconic walks in the area.

Starting from the Wonderland car park, we walk alongside the cascading creek which runs through the canyon (the legacy of a wet winter, as this area if often dry), and finally enter the canyon itself.

We are accompanied by the burbling sounds of running water as we make our way over the path on the grey rocks, looking up at the awesome walls of the canyon from time to time when we pause from watching our footing.

Every so often we glance back the other way to views back down the canyon and towards higher ranges.

Then we continue on through the canyon, which constantly changes.

We walk carefully across a smooth rock face, thankful for the protective rail.

Eventually we reach the end of the canyon, where a small waterfall greets us.

And today, this normally awesome canyon has a new thread weaving through it with the cascading water, giving us a different experience and perspective, just like new perspectives can weave new threads through the stony pathways of our life journeys.

Valuing differences

I have found it useful, when facilitating groups, to spend a session with the participants on valuing differences between group members, especially if there have been issues with group dynamics.

Different ways of viewing our worlds

I modified the following from Experiential Activities for Intercultural Learning by H.Ned Seelye, Intercultural Press, Yarmouth, MN 1996 to give as a handout as a basis for discussion.

This is based on three ways of viewing our worlds – activity, time and human relationships, with orientations within each.

1.       Activity

People may be more oriented to Doing/ Take action, Being/ Self-expression or Becoming/ Self-development.

For people more oriented to doing, taking action is the most important activity and relationships are less important than the task. These people find meaning in accomplishments and achievements.

For people who are oriented towards being, self-expression is the most important activity and they like to build relationships, even at work. They find meaning in spontaneous expression, being themselves and being connected with others.

For people who are oriented towards becoming, self-development is the most important activity and the process of tasks will be important to them. They find meaning in the process, purpose and intention of activities.

2.       Time

People may focus on time as the Past, Present or Future.

People oriented towards the past believe that today flows out of the legacy of the past. Relationships and traditions are important to them and they find meaning in serenity, surrender, history and the lessons from history.

People oriented to the present believe that today is the only reality. They believe that life is to be enjoyed and find meaning in “seizing the day”.

People oriented to the future believe that today is a step towards tomorrow’s goals and they find meaning in deadlines and goals, always focusing on the next achievement rather than being satisfied with what they have accomplished. They find meaning in setting and working towards goals.

3.       Human relationships

People may be more focused on Individual, Ranked or Mutual relationships.

People oriented towards the individual believe that each person is responsible for what happens in their life and must watch out for their own rights and welfare. They find meaning in personal accountability and value competition.

People oriented towards ranked believe that each of us had our own place and respect is due to one’s position. They find meaning in tradition, hierarchy, family and protocol.

People oriented towards mutual believe that their purpose is to make a contribution to the larger whole. They find meaning in interdependence, group goals and connections with people.

Some other ways we may be different

Four other dimensions are presented in this handout, which can be referenced to Trent, J, Cox R & Tooker E (2006) Parenting from your strengths: understanding strengths and valuing differences in your home B&H Publishing Group.

These are:

1.       Procedures (on a continuum from conservative to independent).

2.       Attitude towards people (on a continuum from trusting, accepting and optimistic, to sceptical, questioning and realist).

3.       How we deal with problems (on a continuum from aggressive, problem solver/ solve it, to passive, analyse it).

4.       The pace at which we make decisions (on a continuum from wanting a predictable environment and resisting change, to liking a changeable environment and accepting change).

Using the handouts

Group members are asked to look at the handouts and think about where they fit on each of the scales. Some conclusions they may draw from this are that everyone is an individual and should be treated as such, differences make things interesting, we may be all of the things at different times, it would be boring if everyone was the same, if everyone was the same in a group the group would not work well, differences can lead to conflict but so can sameness, and differences can be good.

Using a poem

After reading the following poem, the group discusses what good things differences bring.

If all the trees were oaks

What if all the trees were oaks,

How plain the world would seem:

No maple syrup, banana splits,

And how would orange juice be?

Wouldn’t it be a boring place,

If all the people were the same;

Just one colour, just one language,

Just one family name!

But

If the forest were the world,

And all the people were the trees;

Palm and pine, bamboo and willow,

Live and grow in harmony.

Aren’t you glad, my good friend,

Different though we be;

We are here to help each other,

I learn from you, and you, from me.

                               Author unknown.

In what ways can we value, nurture and support our differences?

The session ends with a brainstorm based on this question and can elicit responses such as: focus on positives rather than negatives in others, appreciate the differences in others, learn from each other, work together, encourage each other, look for things each person is good at, and see each person as important as everyone else.

  

Beauty from trauma

We recently spent over a week in lovely Eden on the Far South Coast of NSW – a coast that has been shaped by the forces of ancient volcanoes and the on-going power of erosion. This has resulted in some beautiful rock formations, and it got me thinking about how the traumas of life also shape beautiful characters.

We are shaped by our past

In fact we cannot let go of our pasts, as they become an integral part of us and of our life journeys. We may deal with the intensity of emotions and reactions so that they lessen over time, and we can view past events from new perspectives and with new wisdom that comes from experience, but we cannot erase the past.

Trauma can create beauty

The lines of strata in this rock have been laid down over time and then uplifted to form amazing new patterns. Some of the loveliest people I have worked with have been those who have been victims of domestic violence and/ or childhood abuse.

The development of character

The words of Helen Keller echo others who have written similar sentiments:

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only though the experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved.

I will leave you with some more images of Eden’s coast.

Organising our lives

When we think of being organised our thoughts often turn to things like de-cluttering, making lists, a place for everything and everything in its place, and time management. And here is a good source of inspiration if you are that way inclined:

http://organizingmadefun.blogspot.com.au/p/about-me.html

We could also talk about daily and other routines (like morning rituals) and being able to multi-task and budget/ live within our means. We could further talk about planning and having organised homes/ workspaces.

However these are all “doing” things, and with a dose of creativity, we can balance them with “being” and take a new look at addressing this issue. Then organising our lives might also include:

• Organising to do things we enjoy – we can choose to take the time to plan to do things that enrich us and to include relaxation time in this plan.
• Organising who to spend time with – we can choose to be mostly around people we can trust and who make us feel good about ourselves, rather than around those who manipulate us or leave us feeling confused or put down. We can learn from others and use help that is offered. And we can balance this with maintaining independence and liking our own company, as we allow time for ourselves.

• Making wise decisions – we can stop and think before we act, and work at things until they feel right. Sometimes we just need to let things work themselves out.
• Sorting through mental baggage – carrying old unresolved feelings and reactions around in our heads can leave our brains feeling very disorganised. We may need to clear our heads by processing and offloading these issues so that we are not burdened with unwanted baggage. We may also need to seek order in, and work through, chaos.

• Being creative with new ideas and ways of doing things – sometimes approaching things from a new perspective can lead to changes in how we might organise our lives. Being flexible and making use of unexpected spin-offs can result in more ordered lives.
• Looking after our needs – we can choose to take time out when needed and consider ways to have our needs met, especially when we are overwhelmed with the needs and wants of others.

Isn’t it interesting that we use the phrase “being” organised, when often we are referring to “doing”?

Some thoughts on creativity and healing

I have always been interested in how being creative can be used as a tool for healing, having experienced the benefit myself and observed this in others. Using our hands to make something can allow us to move little steps forward in our lives when words are inadequate and the pain of loss is too deep to process.

The value of being creative

At other times being creative can help to reduce stress, give life satisfaction and meaning and empower us to increase our overall well-being. It can also increase our sense of confidence and self-acceptance, our sense of achievement and our personal strengths. We re-focus to the here and now, distracting from unhelpful thoughts and feelings of pain, and our brains are stimulated.

Using creativity in a group setting

In the later stages of the Women’s Support Group that I facilitated, every second session became a time of creatively making something with our hands – often cards based on a set template, or other crafts chosen by the group members. I was mindful of not encouraging anyone into activities with which they were uncomfortable, so it was important to allow the members to be an active part of the planning process.

Over time I noticed the development of increased confidence and creative thoughts in the ladies, and enthusiasm to engage in new learning. This was a great outcome for women who had experienced the debilitating effects of domestic violence in their lives.

Extending the experience

Sometimes I would encourage the ladies to apply what they were creating to a metaphor for their lives (thus extending creative thought processes). For example, when we made a folder for storing various types of cards, we brainstormed how we could organise our lives.

Some great resources

I have come across two wonderful books that promote the therapeutic value of creativity:

1. Hope Make Heal by Maya Pagan Donenfeld

This is a book about how to channel the powerful flood of emotions following traumatic events into things that can be seen and touched. It contains four sections – Wounded, Synchronicity, Healing and Reinvention, and each section includes things to make that are directly connected to healing, a guided meditation and some helpful introductory thoughts.

For more information:
http://mayamade.blogspot.com.au/p/my-book.html

2. Craft for the soul: how to get the most out of your creative life by Pip Lincolne

This is an enthusiastic step by step guide to “having nice times” by building our own creativity and engaging in other acts of self-care. Pip encourages us to try new things, be ourselves, build more movement into our days and cultivate friendships, and gives lists of ideas of things to try in each of these areas.

For more information:
http://meetmeatmikes.com/buy-craft-for-the-soul/

I hope you can find more time for creativity in your life.

A tribute to my father-in-law

My father-in-law passed away on Saturday, and I would like to devote this post to him. 

 Dear Nat

I will really miss you but am thankful that you have found freedom again as I know you hated being restricted to the dementia unit you were in, and it was sad to progressively lose more and more connection with you as your mind and body began to fail you.

Throughout the years I have been married to your son you have been like a real father to me, and I thank you for your understanding, interest and caring.

I have loved the great discussions we have been able to share and appreciate your wisdom and knowledge.

I have been inspired by the way you lived out your faith (including over 60 years as a lay preacher), and will always remember how you clung to the commandment to love your neighbour even when your mind began to fail.

You have done so much in your life of 98 years: as a farmer and grazier, as a leader in the agricultural industry, as a member of the Upper House of NSW State Parliament, as an avid traveller in Australia and travelling overseas (and escaping to Iluka in winter for many years), as a fisherman and as an active member of the local community. And there are many more things that I have only heard about.

You loved your family and made each member feel special and loved for themselves, and you took great interest in all our lives. You were a devoted husband, father, father-in-law, grandfather and great grandfather – and uncle, brother and cousin and friend. And you were much respected by us all.

Thank you for being my father-in-law. It has been a real privilege to have you in my life all these years.

My journey into retirement -- one year on

The past year has been one of adjustment to major lifestyle change, and, when I speak to others who have retired, they have said that it has taken them at least a year to adjust too. This is something that is not addressed in preparation for retirement and, as it is a common experience, I think it is sad that it is not acknowledged and normalised, so that we are not left feeling inadequate.

So, my personal adjustment had been around the following:

Recreating a new life

I have found that it is not possible to step straight from a life of working full-time to living the life of a retired citizen. My work life and its associated systemic trauma impacted for some time and I was surprised to find how much the feelings of trauma reappeared at the anniversary of my leaving. Initially I coped with this by engaging frantically in cleaning and de cluttering inside, before tackling the garden once the weather cooled.

However, over the ensuing months I have gradually settled and slowly introduced other activities like cooking from scratch and preserving the garden harvest, sewing and engaging in craft activities (things I had already being doing during my working life, but now with the time to engage in them more fully). I have become very interested in the concept of slow living, and I also involved myself in the activities outlined below.

Rebuilding a social life

Other retirees I have spoken to have indicated that they have not been back to their former workplaces, and I found that this was the same for me. However I also realised that the hectic world of full-time work had left little time for socialising and that I would need to build a new social network –but I needed to give myself many months to do some healing first. I found that It is not wise to throw yourself straight into new social networks when you have been burnt by the journey and trust is shaken. Thus I have chosen not to engage in volunteer work.

My husband and I joined the National Trust and were delighted to find, unexpectedly, that this gave us access to a local branch that has interesting meetings and excursions and a whole new range of people to meet. We have become more involved with our Church family, now having the time to stay and chat over morning tea instead of dashing off to get the groceries (the hazards of working full-time). And we have joined the Evening Adult Fellowship Group. I have also re-connected with cousins and sometimes lunched with Social Work colleagues.

Time with adult children and grandchildren is extra special.

Creating a balance of activities

Initially I found that I would over-indulge in one activity, especially when I first took it up again. However my days have evolved into doing a little of each as the mood takes me. I now try to declutter one or two things a day a shelf at a time, rather than engaging in a frenzy of cleaning activity – and the housework gets done as it is needed. Cooking fits in around this.

I have located unfinished patchwork projects and put them into a basket to gradually work through, leaving the hand-sewing (to alternate with knitting) for when I am watching a DVD (River Cottage and the Leyland Brothers are favourites). However I have also taken on some new projects just to keep interest and variety alive.

In the cooler weather I try to spend at least half an hour in the garden each morning, but over summer this activity has been mainly confined to watering and harvesting. This is such a peaceful and therapeutic way to begin activities for the day.

I am nurturing my spiritual life by reading the Bible right through from the beginning to the end, one or two chapters a day. It is so enlightening to read the original stories rather than relying on the old Sunday School versions that I was fed in childhood. I am also doing a lot of other reading and have re-joined the local library.

I find that my life is now full and busy, but no longer frantic.

Keeping my brain active

I am acutely aware of the importance of brain health as we, each week, lose more and more of my 98 year old father-in-law from dementia and physical incapacity – this is such a sad and painful journey to walk for all of us.

Some of the regular activities I have engaged in include:

• doing the daily crossword on the Seniors Website

http://www.seniorscard.nsw.gov.au/community/online-games/crossword

• doing a jigsaw puzzle daily from a computer program (no pieces to lose and no cleaning up afterwards)
• listening to the midday interview with Margaret Throsby on ABC Classic FM (she has such an interesting variety of people from many backgrounds and professions).

http://www.abc.net.au/classic/program/midday/

• learning new skills by doing on-line courses from the Craftsy website (a large variety from patchwork to knitting to cake decorating to photography to gardening and more – and a number are free)

http://www.craftsy.com/classes

• reading a variety of literature and watching documentaries  – there is so much to learn about our world
• writing posts on this blog

Tapping into a wider world

In the past year we have done less travel than I anticipated, but in retrospect I think it was good to stay in a safe place and process, recover and adjust rather than to run away and then have to come home and face this later on.

However we do plan to get out there more this coming year, exploring new places and connecting more with old ones.

I am looking forward to the next 12 months of “freedom to”.

Murphy's Law

I cannot let Mad March go by without mentioning Murphy’s Law – commonly used to blame anything that goes wrong.

What Murphy’s Law really means

Although similar sentiments have been expressed right back to the 1800s, the name Murphy’s Law  arises from physics and is attributed to Edward Murphy who reputedly, in the 1950s, developed new measurement devices that failed to perform, and then said something like “If there’s more than one way to do a job, and one of those ways will result in disaster, then he will do it that way”. However there is some debate about its origins and, over time, it has come to mean that anything that can go wrong will go wrong, or to quote Colonel Stapp (who supposedly first publicly coined the phrase) “Everything that can possibly go wrong will go wrong”.

Murphy in the workplace

In my workplace I would blame Murphy when:

• I would put extra preparation into a client session and they would subsequently fail to attend.
• I had spent many hours preparing a group session or talk and it was cancelled at the last minute.
• I would drag myself into work when feeling unwell, as I was concerned about a particular client, and then they would be a no show.
• The computer was down on the last day that statistics were due.
• The printer would not work when I needed to copy handouts for a session later that day.
• Clients urgently begged for appointments and then did not present .

On what occasions would you like to blame Murphy’s Law?

The usefulness of Murphy’s Law

Metaphorically blaming Murphy can inject humour and take the sting out of an otherwise stressful situation. There is a Murphy’s Law café in Darwin which could result in an interesting dining experience (I chose not to test it out) and the term is often used in a humorous context.

It also reminds us that life is full of unpredictability and that we need to allow for things to not go as planned.

But, of course, when I went to add this post, the internet was down and my husband had to use his phone to create a hot spot!

And then there is Yhprum’s Law, which is that:”anything that can go right will go right” and is Murphy’s Law in reverse.