Yesterday was World Social Work Day and the theme was “Promoting
the Importance of Human Relationships”. So, in acknowledgement of this, I thought I
would share some thoughts on healthy relationships, as relationships can be
hurtful, abusive, manipulative etc. and these are not the kinds of relationship’s
that we want to promote.
What tells us that we are in a healthy relationship
Sometimes we need to rely on gut feelings, and these might
include feeling happy and contented, feeling cared about and well cared for, and
still feeling able to care for ourselves. Whereas, an unhealthy relationship is
usually one-sided and our needs are usually not being met.
What makes a healthy relationship
These are aspects of a healthy relationship:
- Trust – that we can be free to be ourselves, be loved for who we are, and allow the other person to be the same, and to be able to have fun together. We will keep our promises.
- Good communication – we need to be open and honest, listen to each other, and not act on assumptions without checking whether or not they are correct. We will be able to negotiate issues and differences.
- Equality and fairness – our needs will be balanced, rather than focusing only on the needs of one person. Shared values make it easier to meet needs. We will share the load and help each other.
- Time – time will be made for each other and for joint activities, which will be planned together.
- Mutual respect – for similarities and differences, for each other’s interests and for other important people in each other’s lives. We will build each other up by encouragement and appreciation of each other’s strengths and interests. We will be considerate of each other.
- Space – all good relationships allow for space from each other, both physically and emotionally, and this is granted in a spirit of trust.
- Responsibility – this will be shared, both in terms of daily tasks and building and maintaining the relationship, and in resolving conflict based on a win-win approach. We will do things for each other and care about each other.
- Safety – we need to feel safe with each other, both physically and emotionally.
- Support – we need to provide support to each other in both good times and during challenging times, to build up each other’s strengths and to cultivate genuine friendship. We will help each other, share the load and be there for each other.
Unhelpful messages
We may have experienced unhealthy relationships and thus be
carrying messages telling us that we do not deserve to be in a healthy relationship,
and these may include:
- Feeling that we are not worthy and don’t deserve to be happy or listened to
- Low self-esteem and lack of self-worth
- Being pushed around by doubts
- Believing negative messages that we have been constantly told
- Others telling us that we don’t deserve a good relationship
- Feeling that we are no-one and don’t count
- Thinking that we don’t have control over our lives
To stop being pushed around by these messages it can be
helpful to work on building more self-respect, take time to heal from past unhealthy
relationships, get points of view from others who care about us, and challenge
the messages to re-program our brains.
Strengths to help us seek healthy rather than unhealthy relationships
These include giving ourselves encouragement and hope, being
tolerant, forgiving both ourselves and others, renewing ourselves to be someone
who has respect for ourselves rather than being walked all over, having insight
into what makes a good and bad relationship, trusting in ourselves, love, friendship,
honesty, respect, courage, being at peace with ourselves, understanding our
feelings and why we feel this way, accepting ourselves and having curiosity to
seek out other kinds of people to be with.
Remember: Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly. (Anonymous)
