It takes courage to reach out and connect with new people,
and it can be risky. When it works it can leave us feeling contented and balanced,
lovable and friendly, calm and peaceful and no longer like we are on our journey
alone. However we may find that we have been gullible and end up discovering
that we cannot trust some people; we may end up being abused, back-stabbed, not
respected and/or controlled.
Our past experiences may make us hold back, especially if we
have been hurt or abused, are feeling traumatised, depressed, unsafe or
powerless; or maybe we have been isolated and never been taught how to connect
with others.
The metaphor of a castle and a drawbridge representing each
person, with a river in between can help us to explore ways to safely connect
with others. This is a metaphor I have used with individuals and groups of clients
in the past.
Testing the water
The first step is to “test the water” between us and them to
see if it is safe to connect, and we can do this by: taking things slowly and
steadily, watching and observing how they treat others, tuning into our instincts,
asking questions, noticing how they treat us, checking that they are not “sharks”,
and even rowing a “boat” across first to check before we start to build a
bridge.
The things we need to find in the water
The second step is to consider the nature of the water in
order to feel comfortable to begin building a “bridge” between the “castles”.
We need to look for things from them like: being treated with respect, lack of
jealousy, consideration of our needs, being trustworthy, feeling safe with
them, feeling confident and supported, not being dominated or controlled,
respect for our boundaries, acceptance, warmth and encouragement, kindness, and
sharing in the responsibility of forming the friendship.
Building the bridge
The third step is to begin to build a bridge between the castles,
and we can do this by: getting to know them better first, trusting our
instincts as we go, respecting boundaries, being friendly, having confidence in
ourselves, talking to them and listening to them, meeting with them in different
environments to check for different reactions, and meeting away from our homes initially.
Keeping the bridge strong once it is built
Friendships need to be maintained, and some of the things
that can keep our “bridge” strong include: knowing and treating the other
person as an individual with their own unique needs, giving positives not
negatives, admiring their abilities rather than being jealous of them,
respecting differences and not judging, mutual respect, allowing space away
from each other sometimes, listening not just talking, being considerate,
checking out their needs and wants, being genuinely interested in them, and
giving them time.
The drawbridges
These allow us to have boundaries to keep our “castles” (personal
lives) safe. To protect ourselves we need to be able to say “no” when needed
(and maybe re-schedule), ask for space when needed, be able to balance our
needs with their needs, tell them what is right or wrong for us, and remind ourselves
that we are allowed to shut our “drawbridges” when needed.
However we also need
to respect the other person’s boundaries, so need to: be aware of their needs and be sensitise to
these, not be offended when they need their space, ask if it is OK to visit/
come in, and notice whether their “drawbridge” is open, closed or partly
closed.
The strengths we need to help us connect with others
It can be helpful to end this exercise by considering the
personal strengths we already have to help us connect with others. These may
include: trust in ourselves and our own judgements, skills in communication,
co-operation/ give and take (this is a two way process), respect for others and
ourselves, acceptance that everyone is different and no-one is perfect,
encouragement for others and ourselves as well, friendship, and carefulness
(don’t just jump in).
Remember: Daring to set boundaries is about having the
courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. (Brene
Brown)
